I''m with Richard. Bizarre kafka-esque scenes and emotionally void characters make for a game that''s just hard to get into. There''s a real trend toward this sort of writing, though, and I blame Frank Miller.
Miller writes comic books, and his "Ronin" and "Dark Knight Returns" and "Sin City" are generally considered to be the impetus behind the huge and just now fading "Gritty Period" in comics and other media. Characterized by nihilist "heroes" and dead-pan, emotionless dialogue, this style is filled with filthy settings, big guns, and bigger trenchcoats. It''s easy to see many of these elements in the "Matrix" movies, and in many other recent works.
The problem is that Frank Miller is a magnificent writer and storyteller, and most of the knock-offs lack his genius. They get the general tone of the world, but they forget to give characters memorable traits or histories. Just making everyone into soulless killers makes for an amusing action sequence or two, but it''s no way to build a world.
The invincible, mysterious warrior with no past and a perpetually confusing life only works for the introductory scene. After that he needs a past, a role, and a purpose. Your story still has time to get all of these things, but it''ll take some very fancy writing indeed to introduce them in time to keep your viewers/readers/players interested.
If you had just given Michael a job at the beginning, instead of tenuously tying him in to "David''s Big Warehouse Full of Guns", you''d already have a more fully rendered character. For instance, as you introduce him, say that he''s coming back from someplace or that he''s finishing his errand or that he''s almost home. He''s obviously in rough shape, whether that''s a result of generally crappy living conditions or his particular style of living is unclear. He''s got some kind of friend named Sonny, another name D''arci, and he knows this David character somehow. What''s most bizarre about this 14-year-old boy is that he''s an expert shot with a handgun, carries two on his person, and can dodge bullets. That''s going to need to be explained. Soon.
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GAME STORY: Second Try
And what''s the note? Is it actually Thursday? Is it the last relic of a happier time when Sonny and D''arci were alive? Why does he have it on his person? Why did he leave David''s warehouse unguarded?
These might be storytelling flaws, or they might just be foreshadowing. We''ll none of us know until the next chapter comes out. Don''t leave us hanging too long.
These might be storytelling flaws, or they might just be foreshadowing. We''ll none of us know until the next chapter comes out. Don''t leave us hanging too long.
Author
Soory to keep you hanging.
Part three is comming tonight and all your questions will be answered:
Who is D''arci?
Who is David?
What is Michael''s purpose?
Who is Regina Yoshimitsu?
These Questions and many more will be answered in
OUTBREAK - Part Three: Encouter
Will be posted arounf 4pm - 12am (UK Time)
Part three is comming tonight and all your questions will be answered:
Who is D''arci?
Who is David?
What is Michael''s purpose?
Who is Regina Yoshimitsu?
These Questions and many more will be answered in
OUTBREAK - Part Three: Encouter
Will be posted arounf 4pm - 12am (UK Time)
Author
Part Three: Encounter
‘Working late again!!!’ she said in a stern voice as she tried to convince her friend to get home early. The other girl turned around and said ‘Regina just because your from England doesn’t mean you’re my number one assistant, I mean there are plenty of young excited women who want to work at Anderson Insurance and don’t you forget were number one in NY!!’
Regina looked back at her friend and said in a loud voice ‘ JUST BECAUSE IM FROM ENGLAND!!! DOES THAT MEAN IM STUPID JUST BECAUSE IM ASIAN!!, I…I came to New York to find my dream…I was educated at Bristol University for god sake…I’ but before Regina could finish someone behind her said ‘YOSHIMITSU!!’ In a very angry tone. Regina looked up to see her boss with a disappointed look on his face, Regina tried to say ‘I didn’t mean to..Im sorry sir please…’ but her boss just said ‘you know the rules…Im afraid we have to fire you’, Regina felt absolutely ashamed of herself but then to her surprise the boss said ‘…Now…’ and in less than three seconds she was cornered by 5 or 6 NYPA (New York Protection Agency). She was arrested and taken outside to a van were they Restrained her, she was forced to sit on a small stool and be quiet but all that time she thought about the crime she committed (making a outburst in a crowded area – a punishable offence). Regina tilted her head up and said ‘Please…Im sorry’ but the guards looked at her and said ‘too late bitch…your going to take a nice trip’ Regina looked up and said ‘NO NOT EXILE….ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!!’ but the guards just ignored her. Soon they reached the city exit point and shoved Regina into the airlock at gunpoint. The door slammed shut behind her and the other door opened up and the pressure that had been built up literally ejected her from the safety of the city, she took a few steps forward and looked behind her at the glowing shield that covered the city and under her breath she said ‘god help me’.
Meanwhile half a mile away Michael was waiting behind a seedy nightclub called Exodus that sonny had mentioned in the letter, the club was closed that night so the street was empty and quiet, the street was barely lit by a few street lamps and it was getting rather cold but he knew that he must preserve and wait for D’arci to come. Michael looked at his watch and he noticed that it said 19:22 he let out a sigh and said to himself ‘stupid bitch is late’ at that moment a voice behind him said ‘ I am not late and you can take that bitch comment back’ Michael looked round to see a woman dressed in a large brown overcoat, the hood was lowered over her face as a makeshift mask and her sneakers were dirty and untied. ‘So what is the big news that you came down here to give me’ said Michael is a sarcastic tone, D’arci stepped closer to Michael a said ‘Boy! You can forget about that dumb White-Ass sarcasm it don’t work on D’arci UNDERSTAND’ she blasted in his direction. ‘Sorry, just get to the point before my ass freezes’ said Michael, D’arci took out a cigarette, lit it, put it in her mouth and said ‘we gotta newbie tonight – your job is to protect her and make sure she stays away from harm, if she is cornered you are to provide her with a gun and help her in combat got it??’, Michael laughed and said ‘shit not a newbie they are always tough bastards and most of them aint that friendly….fine ill bring em in’ said Michael but before D’arci could say anything he said ‘we got an ID??’. D’arci looked at him and just said ‘ohh it’s a she, black hair, Asian..I think and umm she looks scared’, Michael just looked at her and said ‘wow…professional, okay im outta here OH by the way in or out??’, D’arci let out a sigh and said ‘In’. Michael ran off into the slums to find this woman…if he could find her.
Meanwhile Regina had walked for about a hour trying to find her bearings and look for shelter but her main priority was to stay alive and not get hurt, she saw a small alley out of the corner of her eye and decided to find some solution there but as she entered the alley a bum sat up and said ‘HEY this is my home so get lost bitch!’, Regina said ‘I’m sorry but I need shelter’, a voice then came from behind her saying ‘Ill take care of you honey’, Regina looked behind her to see a man who looked very sinister but Regina would be having none of that so she ran off down the alley and the creep instantly followed her.
The alley was a dead end and Regina turned around to see the creep who said ‘don’t worry baby I wont hurt you…much’, a voice came from above Regina saying ‘But I will hurt you’.
A boy then jumped off the roof of the building and pulled out his sword and took out a gun, he looked to Regina and said ‘you okay??’, in shock Regina said ‘who who who are you??’, the boy shot the thug several times in the chest and said ‘..Michael’, he then drove his sword through the creep and pulled it out again very quickly.
The thug fell down dead and blood started pouring out of his wound, Michael looked at Regina and said ‘now…wanna go home?’.
‘Working late again!!!’ she said in a stern voice as she tried to convince her friend to get home early. The other girl turned around and said ‘Regina just because your from England doesn’t mean you’re my number one assistant, I mean there are plenty of young excited women who want to work at Anderson Insurance and don’t you forget were number one in NY!!’
Regina looked back at her friend and said in a loud voice ‘ JUST BECAUSE IM FROM ENGLAND!!! DOES THAT MEAN IM STUPID JUST BECAUSE IM ASIAN!!, I…I came to New York to find my dream…I was educated at Bristol University for god sake…I’ but before Regina could finish someone behind her said ‘YOSHIMITSU!!’ In a very angry tone. Regina looked up to see her boss with a disappointed look on his face, Regina tried to say ‘I didn’t mean to..Im sorry sir please…’ but her boss just said ‘you know the rules…Im afraid we have to fire you’, Regina felt absolutely ashamed of herself but then to her surprise the boss said ‘…Now…’ and in less than three seconds she was cornered by 5 or 6 NYPA (New York Protection Agency). She was arrested and taken outside to a van were they Restrained her, she was forced to sit on a small stool and be quiet but all that time she thought about the crime she committed (making a outburst in a crowded area – a punishable offence). Regina tilted her head up and said ‘Please…Im sorry’ but the guards looked at her and said ‘too late bitch…your going to take a nice trip’ Regina looked up and said ‘NO NOT EXILE….ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!!’ but the guards just ignored her. Soon they reached the city exit point and shoved Regina into the airlock at gunpoint. The door slammed shut behind her and the other door opened up and the pressure that had been built up literally ejected her from the safety of the city, she took a few steps forward and looked behind her at the glowing shield that covered the city and under her breath she said ‘god help me’.
Meanwhile half a mile away Michael was waiting behind a seedy nightclub called Exodus that sonny had mentioned in the letter, the club was closed that night so the street was empty and quiet, the street was barely lit by a few street lamps and it was getting rather cold but he knew that he must preserve and wait for D’arci to come. Michael looked at his watch and he noticed that it said 19:22 he let out a sigh and said to himself ‘stupid bitch is late’ at that moment a voice behind him said ‘ I am not late and you can take that bitch comment back’ Michael looked round to see a woman dressed in a large brown overcoat, the hood was lowered over her face as a makeshift mask and her sneakers were dirty and untied. ‘So what is the big news that you came down here to give me’ said Michael is a sarcastic tone, D’arci stepped closer to Michael a said ‘Boy! You can forget about that dumb White-Ass sarcasm it don’t work on D’arci UNDERSTAND’ she blasted in his direction. ‘Sorry, just get to the point before my ass freezes’ said Michael, D’arci took out a cigarette, lit it, put it in her mouth and said ‘we gotta newbie tonight – your job is to protect her and make sure she stays away from harm, if she is cornered you are to provide her with a gun and help her in combat got it??’, Michael laughed and said ‘shit not a newbie they are always tough bastards and most of them aint that friendly….fine ill bring em in’ said Michael but before D’arci could say anything he said ‘we got an ID??’. D’arci looked at him and just said ‘ohh it’s a she, black hair, Asian..I think and umm she looks scared’, Michael just looked at her and said ‘wow…professional, okay im outta here OH by the way in or out??’, D’arci let out a sigh and said ‘In’. Michael ran off into the slums to find this woman…if he could find her.
Meanwhile Regina had walked for about a hour trying to find her bearings and look for shelter but her main priority was to stay alive and not get hurt, she saw a small alley out of the corner of her eye and decided to find some solution there but as she entered the alley a bum sat up and said ‘HEY this is my home so get lost bitch!’, Regina said ‘I’m sorry but I need shelter’, a voice then came from behind her saying ‘Ill take care of you honey’, Regina looked behind her to see a man who looked very sinister but Regina would be having none of that so she ran off down the alley and the creep instantly followed her.
The alley was a dead end and Regina turned around to see the creep who said ‘don’t worry baby I wont hurt you…much’, a voice came from above Regina saying ‘But I will hurt you’.
A boy then jumped off the roof of the building and pulled out his sword and took out a gun, he looked to Regina and said ‘you okay??’, in shock Regina said ‘who who who are you??’, the boy shot the thug several times in the chest and said ‘..Michael’, he then drove his sword through the creep and pulled it out again very quickly.
The thug fell down dead and blood started pouring out of his wound, Michael looked at Regina and said ‘now…wanna go home?’.
The story definitly has potential, but I agree with the other posters in that this 14 year old "baby Neo" is a weak character. I wouldnt expect someone with only 14 years to be so experienced with combat. If it turns out he is a student of some sort of master it will be more plausible but he still is a weak character with no emotion, and Im starting to get the feeling from him that he is something of a smart ass. I personally feel that the first piece you posted is the best, after that it seems to go downhill. Oh and BTW just out of curiosity I wonder how old you are? It helps understand a story better sometimes if you know how old the author is at the time of writing and can, to an extent, see the story from their perspective.
Or at least list some of your inspirations and stylistic references, so we can address shortcomings in their archetype, rather than directing all of our criticisms toward your individual work. It can help us understand the process and give you better advice, it can help you understand the shortcomings of a style, rather than the shortcomings of your own literary ability, and it can lead to more insightful suggestions from your readers.
Author
Okay if you want the truth about Michael read on.
About the way Michael fights..
MAJOR SPOILERS
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He is a member of a anti goverment resistance known as The HUNTERS.
He was left on the street as a baby and was taken in by a man called Sonny, he had no family left so he decided to take him and raise him as his own flesh and blood.
He let him become a HUNTER, be trained like one but most importaint was for him to veiw him as a father figure and not as a commander.
After years of training Michael was ready to go on the streets and fight the NYPA.
Regina is just an ordinary member of the public and has no major backround.
If you must know my age I am currently 15.
Thanks for the tips guys.
Part Four: Return
will be comming soon.
About the way Michael fights..
MAJOR SPOILERS
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
He is a member of a anti goverment resistance known as The HUNTERS.
He was left on the street as a baby and was taken in by a man called Sonny, he had no family left so he decided to take him and raise him as his own flesh and blood.
He let him become a HUNTER, be trained like one but most importaint was for him to veiw him as a father figure and not as a commander.
After years of training Michael was ready to go on the streets and fight the NYPA.
Regina is just an ordinary member of the public and has no major backround.
If you must know my age I am currently 15.
Thanks for the tips guys.
Part Four: Return
will be comming soon.
15... I could have guessed, as I started writing a book at the age of about 13 (I''m 17 now) which contained an excessive amount of violence, just as I believe this game does. At the age we are at, we can be extremely frustrated at people and events, and sometimes people who do either writing, artwork, etc. can take out frustration through their work. I think you need to analize what you are writing and tone it down somewhat.
Or just read a book about badasses who don''t fight all that often. Take Ivanhoe, for instance. Every guy in that book is a one-man army, and there are about three fatalities, one of which is a heart attack. Also, there''s this awesome scene where King Richard gets drunk with Friar Tuck, and then they go storm a castle wasted. Sweet.
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