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Story for a RPG
Author
Okay a few weeks back I submited a Idea for a new RPG battle System...well I made a story for it and I thought I would submit it to you.
EDEN
By Kyle Allan
-----------------------------------------------------------
Prelude:
In the year 2156 Our Sun begins to die, on it death it will destroy the entire system and all its planets.
All seems lost until one day.... The moon starts getting black spots.
The spots are soon revealed to be large alien ships from a distant planet in the Yurimepa System called Eden home to the Marakee - The smartest Species in Existence.
The Ruler’s of Eden (The 4 Minds) has offered to help Earth in its time of need by transporting Earth over 52 light-years from its current position to Yurimepa and join its ever growing group of planets that they have rescued from Oblivion.
The UN accepts this idea and at once Earth and the moon are teleported to their System and is placed in an orbit that allows us the Perfect Heat and Light.
Eden''s Advancement in Technology allowed them to repair the holes in the Ozone layer and Advance our Medical care.
They also developed a treatment called ''The Halfing'' where Marakee DNA is spiced with Human DNA to create a Hybrid form of Human that can change from Human form to Marakee form at any time, Have amazing Physical Strength, Superior Mental Ability and many more great wonders.
Eden and Earth then decided to Create 22 new Space Stations called SOLUS that would enhance Marakee''en Technology and Humans Understanding of Space.
Our story begins on SOLUS 5 in the earth year 2179 were two destinies are changed forever.
Part 1 – ‘Joyride’
( Damien Hunter- Age 26 - Construction Worker – Human )
( Zeega - Age 207 – Technician – Marakee)
Damien Hunter is probably the biggest loser in Space, Earth and Eden but he can do his job…uh…good?, he just sits on his ass all day and tells the tech boys how to line up the panels to stick on to the station…boring but rewarding as he earns 500 American Dollars or 850 Marakee Jin a week.
Yet still he get his lunch hour and even though he is worthless he still has a Schedule for lunch:
12:10 – Leave post, 12:13 - Meet Zeega at the Tech Station, 12:17 – Grab a Tray and finally wolf down lunch in one go...Disgusting but today something will happen that will change his life forever.
Damien got to the Tech station and saw Zeega sitting on his ass with his tail just near one of the chair wheels, he got in and the first thing he said was ‘ Looking at Porn Again??’ and at that he turned to see Damien and rolled the chair right over his tail that made a Crunching sound when it touched….ouch.
‘ My Tail…Ahhh Damn it! ‘ he said in agony trying not to shout as the night shift were sleeping in the office as there dorms were being upgraded but controlling his voice he said to Damien ‘ Hey I was….okay but it was only 5 Minuets I didn’t even have time to log on! ‘ He said shamefully, ‘Well it’s okay but I keep asking you to print some photo’s for me….I’m single too! ‘ Damien begged Zeega but before he could answer Damien said ‘Come one lets just get some grub before they stop serving those little cream puff thingies’.
Damien then started off down the hall with Zeega by his side each thinking different thoughts…Damien was thinking of many beautiful chicks on a island and Zeega couldn’t get the Crunching sound out of his head but then they had to resume thinking when they got to the elevator an try to remember what button to push without setting off the alarm, Eventually they got to the lunch hall were many Humans and Marakee were gathered but it did not concern them as they just wanted food in them, They got a tray and put a little plate of Cream puffs on it and then moved up to the hot food counter were a 60 year old man was waiting for them.
‘Todays Specials are Cream corn, Sloppy Joes or the Chef’s Surprise’ the old man said and as he said Surprise a hush fell over the room until Damien said ‘…Uh...Chef’s Surprise Please!’ and at that the old man gave him a sloppy Joe with a scoop of Cream Corn in it and as soon as he did that the room burst into laughter and Damien tried to hide his face and went to the window seat in the corner by the old vent that made rattling sounds.
Zeega just got a sloppy Joe and joined Damien at the table and said ‘….and that’s why you always get sick in the morning eh??’ Damien Responded by saying ‘ Yeah well I wish I was a smart as you are….I mean how can they fit the knowledge of the universe in those tiny heads of yours?? ‘ he said With the premise of angering him…it worked.
‘Watch your tongue Human you don’t want to get me mad’ Zeega said as he lifted his large fist in the air but before he could hit him the old man at the lunch bar said ‘Hey no fighting in my lunch room!!’ and took out a small pistol and fired three shots into the ceiling bringing a hush over the room, Zeega and Damien just continued eating but around ten minuets later Zeega was telling him of the Movie he saw last night when the station started to shake violently and lose power for a few seconds.
They both looked out the window and they saw a ship pass by the window and fly into the docking bay on the left side of the station at that time Damien looked at his watch and saw they has 25 Minuets of Lunch hour left so they decided to take a look at this cool ship, they both jumped from there seats and ran to the elevator and pushed the button marked ‘J15’ knowing that it was the button that took you to the docking bay level but still it was a long walk.
( This is the part where you control Damien and Zeega)
(As you walk along the hall the two start to talk)
‘ WOW! That ship looks the nuts man…I wish I had something that size ‘ Damien said to Zeega as they walked Quietly down the hall but then a large Marakee dressed in a sort of security uniform stopped them, ‘ going somewhere are you?? ‘ he said in a soft angry voice as he looked into there guilty eyes with a sort of pride and joy look but you should know that Selek has a darker side.
Zeega stepped forward and said ‘ we…are just…um…going….to…DISK!! ‘ he said shouting out the last word with a sort of fear hoping that Selek would fall for the plan Zeega had planed,
Selek said ‘ Disk??..Ah the disk for the solar scanner oh yeah you need that installed ASAP..uh sorry for scaring you guys..take care ‘ and at that he walked into the elevator they had just stepped out of.
‘ Wow nice lie ‘ Damien said to Zeega but before Damien could say lie Zeega said ‘ we have to get that disk or Im gonna lose my job….don’t say anything about this to Selek but it’s just my plan for getting even with him ‘ Zeega said and then he dashed off down the corridor to Zeega’s dorm
(They stop by Zeega’s dorm to pick up the disk)
The door to the Dorm opened and the two of them went inside Zeega’s room to find the disk he needs to use to fool Selek ‘ c’mon man you can just get a blank disk and fool Selek into believing that it IS the disk you need‘ Damien said to Zeega as he looked around the room, Zeega then said ‘ Just trust me on this one man ‘ Damien thought for a bit and then said ‘ Marakee Logic…Damn that stuff screws with your mind ‘ and while Zeega was looking in the desk Damien looked under Zeega’s pillow and found a stack of Porn printed off the computer and while Zeega was looking away he folded the porn and shoved into his jacket pocket that was extra deep (Just in case).
‘got it!’ Zeega said and kissed the jewel case he looked at Damien and said ‘Okay lets go then’ and they walked out of his room and rushed off to the docking bay to see the ship.
(They reach the Hanger)
The Elevator stopped and the doors opened and they saw the ship that passed by the window of the lunch room 15 minuets earlier, ‘ Damn look at the size of it man….its HUGE ‘ Damien said in pure joy but for them it was a moment better that any sex with any species.
‘Twin engine boosters, Fourteen Terra-Quads of information and sleeps 6’ said a young woman who had overheard them, ‘ you must be the tech boys huh? Well just check the computer and if you got time a flight check would be nice ‘ she said as she threw them the keys and walked into the elevator but then turned around and said ‘ is It sloppy Joes today at the Lunch room?? Those are my favourite ‘ and went up in the elevator.
‘ JOYRIDE!! ‘ Damien screamed with joy and ran into the ship but Zeega was just standing on the spot with his jaw open and in desperation said ‘I don’t think this is a good idea I mean we could get caught and such and besides that young woman would be pretty angry if we trash he ship!’ but Damien ignored him and got inside the ship, Zeega ran inside to stop him but as soon as he got in the doors locked and the engine started up.
Damien was having the time of his life but Zeega was thinking he would never get that new tail ring but Damien didn’t care he was living his dream, he was going to fly around the stars and enjoy his 7 minuets of fun that was until he realised that he forgot to open the Airlock doors but Damien managed to flip the switch to open the doors just in time before he crippled the ships hull.
He was finally out in space living his dream but then Zeega then said ‘JUST GO BACK…..WE CAN GET OFF LIGHT IF WE JUST GO BACK!!’ but it was no use Damien and the ship were one now but that was until the Radio crackled into life ‘And if you have time fix the Burst-Shower in back, it has been on the blink lately’ said the girl who they had recently met in the docking bay but Damien didn’t care he was having the time of his life!.
(You Control the ship is a short flying sequence here and then you go back inside the Station)
The ship got back inside the Station and Landed perfectly, the hatch opened and Zeega came running out and vomited all over the floor but Damien came out of the ship all happy and relaxed like a kid who had a whole day a Disney land uninterrupted but the effect soon wore off and Damien looked over to see Zeega and a big brown puddle all over the floor, ‘Motion sickness eh??’ Damien said to Zeega who was still being sick but Zeega turned to Damien and said ‘ No im sick because I’m gonna Get Fired all because of you HUMAN!! ‘ and he leapt forward at Damien who managed to dodge him at the last second and send Zeega flying into one of the Ships docking clamps.
Damien helped Zeega onto his feet again and recommended that they get back to work as they only had two minuets left of lunch hour but more than enough time to get back to their work stations, They went up in the Elevator and started off down the hallway.
(Playable Sequence)
After walking down the hall for a bit they saw the Girl who owned the ship running down the hall towards them but she stopped when she saw that it was the ‘Ship Repair Boys’, She stopped for a minuet to catch her breath and then turned to Damien and she said ‘ Do you know what’s going on?? There are Terrorists on the station you better hide quick…OH here take this ‘ and she gave Zeega 1200 Marakee Jin and ran off to the elevator.
They looked at each other only for a second but then when they saw Selek coming down the Hall they thought that they could ask what was going on so they ran up to Selek but when he saw them He took out his Spear and pointed it in Damien’s face, ‘Hey!! What is going on here??? Where are the terrorists? ‘ Selek laughed and said ‘ In front of me…how…How could you do that….I thought better of you two…but this is how you Re-pay the SOLUS Program…Death! ‘ and as he finished his sentence a small tear fell from his cheek, ‘ What do you mean?? Were not terrorists we were just down in the Docking bay looking at the ship! Honest ‘ Zeega Protested but then A claxon was heard over the Radio Strapped to Selek’s belt and The Computer started to Relay orders to Selek,
‘ Suspects last seen in docking bay I Repeat Suspects last seen in docking bay – Suspects are Described as White Human Male aged 20 to 30 wearing a Brown Coat and a Marakee Male Aged 200 to 210 wearing Black Jeans Arrest or Eliminate’ And as the announcement finished there eyes widened and there jaws dropped open and Selek Said ‘And I Choose Eliminate!’.
Damien did not know what to think and Zeega was nearly wetting his pants but In Times of Crisis Damien’s mind does Flicker into life and he looked around the room looking for a weapons of sorts and he saw a axe in the Fire box but it was across the hall behind a pane of glass so he had to think of a way to get it…and When your with a Marakee thinking is the best thing you can do.
Damien sent a Telepathic message to Zeega’s mind with Instructions of a plan to get the Axe from the fire box so Zeega then let out a large Roar and Selek looked over in Surprise that gave Damien enough time to smash the glass and get the Axe from the box, Zeega Punched Selek right in the nose and he fell over he shouted ‘ ’ll Fight Too!’ And Then Selek saw Damien with the axe and then and only then……There was Conflict.
(You Fight Selek in this Scene – HP 600)
The battle ended….Damien put down his Axe and Zeega nursed his Smarting Fists back to health at that time Damien looked for answers so he went to Selek and started to talk to him ‘If we really did something bad then tell me What did we do?’ Said Damien in anger, Selek lifted his head up and said ‘You…blew up SOLUS 1 and 7 with that ship you stole…Murderer’ and then Selek fell silent and Zeega Started to cry with A deep sadness in his heart ‘I objected to that flight Damien…But I wathched you that whole time and…you did not activate weapons….come to think of it…THERE WERE NO WEAPONS ON THAT SHIP!!’ Damien looked over at Zeega and Said ‘now we have to leave SOLUS…we have to go into hiding until this whole thing blows over….I didn’t want to drag you into something like this but…now we have to fight for our future…for our lives…for our own safety’ and Damien went over to Selek’s Corpse ad picked up his Spear and then silently…they went to the docking bay to find a ship.
The docking bay was different this time…there were copses of many of Selek’s Squad members and A female Marakee lying unconscious on the floor next to the guards but what was even more surprising was the Ship was still there just as they left it, they went inside and started the ship and took off into space….to hide from the law.
Zeega was still in emotional Pain but then Damien thought he could cheer him up, ‘I..eh…stole something from your room today and now I thought would be a good time to return it’ and Damien pulled out the stash of Porn from his Jacket pocket and gave it to Zeega who just laughed like no tomorrow, ‘Thanks man….look I think we should head for Eden, there is a desert with a city in it and they don’t get news a quickly as the rest of Eden so we will be safe there for a few days’ Zeega said to Damien and just as he finished the Sentence he input the Co-ordinates for the Desert city….Talminock…and so there journey begins.
FAQ:
Q - What Does a Marakee look Like??
A - Big and Hairy (Think of Ronso from FF10) Eyes Compleatly White and A long Monkey tail (2 Meters)
Q - You Suck!
A - Put on your glasses! and read it again!
Q - My Wife has been crushed against a Tree and is going to die!
A - Stop Watching Signs
Q - I Saw a tape a week ago with stange images on it!
A - Make out you will...QUICKLY!!!
Wadda You Think???
My friend, that is a huge amount of text. I haven't waded through it yet, but I thought you should have some feedback, just so you know we aren't totally ignoring you.
I'll post more after I read the story.
EDIT:
Okay, that was huge. Not bad, though. I'm a little curious as to why Selek was using a freaking spear, instead of some kind of Buck Rogers ray gun, or at least a rifle. you did a good job with the axe thing, though. You justified it nicely and had it placed opportunisticall, although I'm not sure what good a fire axe would be in a place built mostly out of steel.
You have a variety of play types, ranging from combat to spaceflight, and that's a good thing. Your introductory level features tutorials in all of them, which is also good. However, there is a very real risk that you'll need to address before long, and that has to do with the rest of the story.
Where is this going? You've got something akin to a game world, though it's vague and undeveloped. There's a decent gameplay model here, and a very few characters. But what is the story of the game? You can't possible hope to write a story from front to back, like reading a book. You need a general concept of what's going to happen from here until "The End", and then you need to fill in the details. Don't worry about dialogue and for God's sake don't foreshadow events that you haven't yet written.
Come up with a neat-o time travel thingy, and some good double-crosses, and a dramatic finale, and then tie them together with levels and cut scenes. You're a good writer, but if you're going to do a whole game, you'll need a more methodical approach.
You've posted a handful of sotries here in the last few months, but you invent them, write a snippet, post it, and then eventually lose interest and move on. For my money, this is the most promising of them, but you'll have to decide for yourself what to do with it.
[edited by - Iron Chef Carnage on January 28, 2004 6:35:17 PM]
I'll post more after I read the story.
EDIT:
Okay, that was huge. Not bad, though. I'm a little curious as to why Selek was using a freaking spear, instead of some kind of Buck Rogers ray gun, or at least a rifle. you did a good job with the axe thing, though. You justified it nicely and had it placed opportunisticall, although I'm not sure what good a fire axe would be in a place built mostly out of steel.
You have a variety of play types, ranging from combat to spaceflight, and that's a good thing. Your introductory level features tutorials in all of them, which is also good. However, there is a very real risk that you'll need to address before long, and that has to do with the rest of the story.
Where is this going? You've got something akin to a game world, though it's vague and undeveloped. There's a decent gameplay model here, and a very few characters. But what is the story of the game? You can't possible hope to write a story from front to back, like reading a book. You need a general concept of what's going to happen from here until "The End", and then you need to fill in the details. Don't worry about dialogue and for God's sake don't foreshadow events that you haven't yet written.
Come up with a neat-o time travel thingy, and some good double-crosses, and a dramatic finale, and then tie them together with levels and cut scenes. You're a good writer, but if you're going to do a whole game, you'll need a more methodical approach.
You've posted a handful of sotries here in the last few months, but you invent them, write a snippet, post it, and then eventually lose interest and move on. For my money, this is the most promising of them, but you'll have to decide for yourself what to do with it.
[edited by - Iron Chef Carnage on January 28, 2004 6:35:17 PM]
Author
Dont orry more is comming and Trust me it will be good I tell thee!.
If you are Qestioning the Fire Axe thingy...well the place is made out of steel....but are the doors made of steel....HMMMM Think about it.
It will take me a few days to make Chapter 2 but trust me it will be Amazing!!.
If you are Qestioning the Fire Axe thingy...well the place is made out of steel....but are the doors made of steel....HMMMM Think about it.
It will take me a few days to make Chapter 2 but trust me it will be Amazing!!.
Author
Okay here is Part 2.
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Part 2 - Shelter
They set their ship down just next to Talminock in a huge mound of sand and lowered the Docking clamps into the soft sand bellow and after they turned off the Engine then they opened the door and stepped out of the Freezer and into the Inferno!, ''GOD its too hot'' said Damien as he took off his shirt but heat or no heat they had to hide from the law…and gather a few supplies for the road.
''Ahhhh it''s good to be back here'' said Zeega with a tone of joy in his voice as he set his large foot onto the sand bellow him, ''Back here? I thought you lived in Faranoi!'' said Damien to Zeega but Zeega was breathing in the hot Sweet air and relaxing in the suns light, Damien thought Zeega had gone into a Trance so he got a Menthol Inhaler from the Medical Room and stuck it in Zeega''s Left Nostril and after he did that Zeega jumped onto his feet as if someone has fired a bullet into his Chest.
''Sorry man but we have to get moving'' Damien told Zeega as he got back on his feet and after he did they walked into the city through the Security doors, ''I was born and raised here Damien I should have told you before but it never came up and OH! Before we go in there is….Something I gotta tell you'' but before Zeega could give him the warning the Security doors opened and Damien fell into silent shock as there were lots of Marakee but all in grass skirts, underwear and other beach style clothing, ''It''s too hot for regular clothes here so they wear as little as possible'' Zeega said to Damien but he was already leering at a group of women by a Fruit stall until Zeega punched his arm and warned him that they may wear little clothing but that does not mean that there sexual appetite has gone up.
''Mabey we should get some new threads to blend in with the locals'' said Damien with a essence of Smartness in his voice and after Zeega thought it would be a good idea they set off to the clothes shop, 15 Minuets later they marched out of the clothes store looking quite different - Zeega was wearing some Swimming Shorts and Damien was wearing a sort of Speedo and with some kind of embarrassment inside them they marched off down the street and looked for a place to hide.
(Playable Sequence)
After walking for a little bit they heard somebody shout ''STOP THEIFE'' from a store just a couple of doors away from them, They walked closer to the store and saw a man with long black hair all the way down his back and lots of tiny pin-pricks all over his body running out of the Vegetable store carrying a pile of Marakee ''Large Onions'' and a few Earth Cabbages, he knocked over a table displaying the Vegetables for sale and then took off around the corner into an alley to which Zeega replyed ''I may have not lived here for 170 years but I know that the alley he ran into is a dead end'' and on saying that Damien ran into the alley followed by Zeega to catch the Thief but on there arrival he was gone…vanished into thin air, ''I would jump but this is not earth so I cant get far up'' said Zeega and with a little bit of disappointment in there hearts they left the alley and continued to look for a hiding spot.
(Playable Sequence)
It was nearly an hour since Damien had put on the Speedo pants and after walking around in that hot city with them on…..they started to stick and soon after they began to rub, They were walking past a TV store when they overheard a group of people talk about the recent crime increase so Damien and Zeega went to listen in on there conversation.
''Well im just glad I live in the 49th block sector then I wouldn''t have to deal with a menace like that'' said the fat lady but after that the other woman looked at her and said ''Well SOME of us have deal with that Legios fellow - I heard he hides convicted criminals in some Underground base somewhere…..um……south of here….in the 7th Sector block'' in an angry tone, Damien decided to seek out this Legios guy and ask him to help them.
(Playable Sequence)
After walking what seemed like forever they walked into a old alley and saw in the corner two Marakee men Dealing out fresh ''REzar'' a powerful drug that had been outlawed on Eden 16 years back, They just walked casualy and in the corner saw a Marakee Male with long hair and a scar that stretched from a blind eye to his chest and after looking at him for a bit Zeega went forward and talked to him.
''Excuse me….do you…..do you know anyone called Legios???'' Said Zeega to the man who then turned around and looked at him through his only eye and after staring at him for what seemed like forever he said ''You don''t usualy find mass-murderers in these parts….yes I am Legios and you need to be hidden now….yes I know of you Zeega and Damien now MOVE IT!'' Legios said to them in a stern voice.
Legios took them into a old building and up a few stairs into a large room full of Corpses who were likely Criminals, Legios sat on a old bed and looked at the two of them with his single eye constantly staring at them, ''Let me tell you'' Legios began ''Let me tell you of why you are here now!…..you have been Framed that I know but the real criminal…that I do not yet know but the answers are coming…tell me do you know of Prime??.'' Legios asked them.
''Uh yeah! First human to be Halfed right!'' Said Damien to which Legios replied ''Yes! He was the one who started the war in which 4981 human lives were lost….remember the so-called Halfie-War back in 2159….well it was him who started it….he rallied his fellow comrads from the Human-Marakee Alliance from Kilmarnock in Scotland and fought them there and then on the streets of that once bountiful town and left it nearly in ruins…after that Prime vanished and has never been seen since but he still walks and is one with the energy that is Haromise'' Legios then grabbed Zeega by the tail and the room erupted with Zeega''s Cry of pain.
Legios griped the tail tighter and tighter until Legios juts let it go and fell to the floor, Damien helped Zeega to his feet and then Zeega looked at Legios''s tail…it was white and Withered and almost falling off, Zeega then took off Legios''s pants to check the end of the tail and saw that it was all cut off except for the Primary vein that runs through it but either way he was dead as a doorstop.
They left the building and Damien said to Zeega ''You HAD to take of his pants eh! Man you can be really gross sometimes'' he said in disgust but Zeega took no interest in his mindless moans but the Zeega just stopped and saw something that was just indescribable….it was Selek who was alive and kicking…..but even so it was odd because they killed him on the Station and left him there bleeding and dead.
''You will die traitor'' Selek said but before anything else could be said Damien just blurted out ''WE KILLED YOU ASSHOLE!'' to witch Selek replied ''Oh you will see soon'' and then he attacked them full force with a Vengence.
(Fight with Selek - HP 1500 and 2 Combos - Weapon: Short Sword)
After the battle Selek just fell over and died without any resistance, Damien just walked passed his Corpse looking a bit puzzled but was alerted by an incoming message on Selek''s Radio, ''Selek…Come in Selek'' Spouted the Radio ''We are waiting for you on Planet Onico….the Zaga''s have uncovered it…come quick!'' and then the Radio Died, Zeega and Damien ran back to there ship and set a course for Onico.
Tell me what you think of it and give me a response!!!.
Also I hope you read this Iron Chef Carnage it is good!!!
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Part 2 - Shelter
They set their ship down just next to Talminock in a huge mound of sand and lowered the Docking clamps into the soft sand bellow and after they turned off the Engine then they opened the door and stepped out of the Freezer and into the Inferno!, ''GOD its too hot'' said Damien as he took off his shirt but heat or no heat they had to hide from the law…and gather a few supplies for the road.
''Ahhhh it''s good to be back here'' said Zeega with a tone of joy in his voice as he set his large foot onto the sand bellow him, ''Back here? I thought you lived in Faranoi!'' said Damien to Zeega but Zeega was breathing in the hot Sweet air and relaxing in the suns light, Damien thought Zeega had gone into a Trance so he got a Menthol Inhaler from the Medical Room and stuck it in Zeega''s Left Nostril and after he did that Zeega jumped onto his feet as if someone has fired a bullet into his Chest.
''Sorry man but we have to get moving'' Damien told Zeega as he got back on his feet and after he did they walked into the city through the Security doors, ''I was born and raised here Damien I should have told you before but it never came up and OH! Before we go in there is….Something I gotta tell you'' but before Zeega could give him the warning the Security doors opened and Damien fell into silent shock as there were lots of Marakee but all in grass skirts, underwear and other beach style clothing, ''It''s too hot for regular clothes here so they wear as little as possible'' Zeega said to Damien but he was already leering at a group of women by a Fruit stall until Zeega punched his arm and warned him that they may wear little clothing but that does not mean that there sexual appetite has gone up.
''Mabey we should get some new threads to blend in with the locals'' said Damien with a essence of Smartness in his voice and after Zeega thought it would be a good idea they set off to the clothes shop, 15 Minuets later they marched out of the clothes store looking quite different - Zeega was wearing some Swimming Shorts and Damien was wearing a sort of Speedo and with some kind of embarrassment inside them they marched off down the street and looked for a place to hide.
(Playable Sequence)
After walking for a little bit they heard somebody shout ''STOP THEIFE'' from a store just a couple of doors away from them, They walked closer to the store and saw a man with long black hair all the way down his back and lots of tiny pin-pricks all over his body running out of the Vegetable store carrying a pile of Marakee ''Large Onions'' and a few Earth Cabbages, he knocked over a table displaying the Vegetables for sale and then took off around the corner into an alley to which Zeega replyed ''I may have not lived here for 170 years but I know that the alley he ran into is a dead end'' and on saying that Damien ran into the alley followed by Zeega to catch the Thief but on there arrival he was gone…vanished into thin air, ''I would jump but this is not earth so I cant get far up'' said Zeega and with a little bit of disappointment in there hearts they left the alley and continued to look for a hiding spot.
(Playable Sequence)
It was nearly an hour since Damien had put on the Speedo pants and after walking around in that hot city with them on…..they started to stick and soon after they began to rub, They were walking past a TV store when they overheard a group of people talk about the recent crime increase so Damien and Zeega went to listen in on there conversation.
''Well im just glad I live in the 49th block sector then I wouldn''t have to deal with a menace like that'' said the fat lady but after that the other woman looked at her and said ''Well SOME of us have deal with that Legios fellow - I heard he hides convicted criminals in some Underground base somewhere…..um……south of here….in the 7th Sector block'' in an angry tone, Damien decided to seek out this Legios guy and ask him to help them.
(Playable Sequence)
After walking what seemed like forever they walked into a old alley and saw in the corner two Marakee men Dealing out fresh ''REzar'' a powerful drug that had been outlawed on Eden 16 years back, They just walked casualy and in the corner saw a Marakee Male with long hair and a scar that stretched from a blind eye to his chest and after looking at him for a bit Zeega went forward and talked to him.
''Excuse me….do you…..do you know anyone called Legios???'' Said Zeega to the man who then turned around and looked at him through his only eye and after staring at him for what seemed like forever he said ''You don''t usualy find mass-murderers in these parts….yes I am Legios and you need to be hidden now….yes I know of you Zeega and Damien now MOVE IT!'' Legios said to them in a stern voice.
Legios took them into a old building and up a few stairs into a large room full of Corpses who were likely Criminals, Legios sat on a old bed and looked at the two of them with his single eye constantly staring at them, ''Let me tell you'' Legios began ''Let me tell you of why you are here now!…..you have been Framed that I know but the real criminal…that I do not yet know but the answers are coming…tell me do you know of Prime??.'' Legios asked them.
''Uh yeah! First human to be Halfed right!'' Said Damien to which Legios replied ''Yes! He was the one who started the war in which 4981 human lives were lost….remember the so-called Halfie-War back in 2159….well it was him who started it….he rallied his fellow comrads from the Human-Marakee Alliance from Kilmarnock in Scotland and fought them there and then on the streets of that once bountiful town and left it nearly in ruins…after that Prime vanished and has never been seen since but he still walks and is one with the energy that is Haromise'' Legios then grabbed Zeega by the tail and the room erupted with Zeega''s Cry of pain.
Legios griped the tail tighter and tighter until Legios juts let it go and fell to the floor, Damien helped Zeega to his feet and then Zeega looked at Legios''s tail…it was white and Withered and almost falling off, Zeega then took off Legios''s pants to check the end of the tail and saw that it was all cut off except for the Primary vein that runs through it but either way he was dead as a doorstop.
They left the building and Damien said to Zeega ''You HAD to take of his pants eh! Man you can be really gross sometimes'' he said in disgust but Zeega took no interest in his mindless moans but the Zeega just stopped and saw something that was just indescribable….it was Selek who was alive and kicking…..but even so it was odd because they killed him on the Station and left him there bleeding and dead.
''You will die traitor'' Selek said but before anything else could be said Damien just blurted out ''WE KILLED YOU ASSHOLE!'' to witch Selek replied ''Oh you will see soon'' and then he attacked them full force with a Vengence.
(Fight with Selek - HP 1500 and 2 Combos - Weapon: Short Sword)
After the battle Selek just fell over and died without any resistance, Damien just walked passed his Corpse looking a bit puzzled but was alerted by an incoming message on Selek''s Radio, ''Selek…Come in Selek'' Spouted the Radio ''We are waiting for you on Planet Onico….the Zaga''s have uncovered it…come quick!'' and then the Radio Died, Zeega and Damien ran back to there ship and set a course for Onico.
Tell me what you think of it and give me a response!!!.
Also I hope you read this Iron Chef Carnage it is good!!!
The meeting with Legios is a little contrived. A more elegant way for them to hear of him and a more elegant way for them to meet him would be appropriate. Since Zeega is from the planet, he might have heard of him back in the day.
You said:
What? Did legios and Zeega fight? I don''t understand this bit at all.
Also, the "playable sequences" in this part of the story seem to be short walking scenes to get from cut scene to cut scene. You should throw in a fight, or an interactive market, or some mini-games, or an opportunity to gain optional information, or a chance to gain some levels, or something. Five cut scenes punctuated by thirty seconds of player-controlled walking isn''t gameplay, it''s an annoyance. Better to have a big unbroken cut scene than to have to pick up the controller and take a dozen steps three times to advance to storyline.
Once again, you''re introducing characters and events that might play in later, but could be a hinderance to the story if you are just throwing them in for good measure. The thief, for instance. Can you chase the thief? Can you prevent his crime? Can you rob stores? Do you get anything at all out of that except a glimpse of the pinpricked man? If that''s all the scene has to offer, then that character had better play a role in the game, and soon. Maybe Legios is hiding him, as well. Maybe he kills Legios. Maybe he later helps sneak you aboard a ship to escape, or shows you a passage you can take, or turns you in to the authorities. The important thing is that he needs to be relevant, otherwise he isn''t worth the time and effort. If you haven''t decided who and what he will be, then don''t be cavalier about introducing him.
The story is in keeping with the quality of the first installment, but for the awkwardness of meeting Legios and the apparent lack of gameplay value. I still don''t understand the death of Legios. You''ll have to explain that.
You said:
quote: ...is one with the energy that is Haromise'' Legios then grabbed Zeega by the tail and the room erupted with Zeega''s Cry of pain.
Legios griped the tail tighter and tighter until Legios juts let it go and fell to the floor, Damien helped Zeega to his feet and then Zeega looked at Legios''s tail…it was white and Withered and almost falling off, Zeega then took off Legios''s pants to check the end of the tail and saw that it was all cut off except for the Primary vein that runs through it but either way he was dead as a doorstop.
What? Did legios and Zeega fight? I don''t understand this bit at all.
Also, the "playable sequences" in this part of the story seem to be short walking scenes to get from cut scene to cut scene. You should throw in a fight, or an interactive market, or some mini-games, or an opportunity to gain optional information, or a chance to gain some levels, or something. Five cut scenes punctuated by thirty seconds of player-controlled walking isn''t gameplay, it''s an annoyance. Better to have a big unbroken cut scene than to have to pick up the controller and take a dozen steps three times to advance to storyline.
Once again, you''re introducing characters and events that might play in later, but could be a hinderance to the story if you are just throwing them in for good measure. The thief, for instance. Can you chase the thief? Can you prevent his crime? Can you rob stores? Do you get anything at all out of that except a glimpse of the pinpricked man? If that''s all the scene has to offer, then that character had better play a role in the game, and soon. Maybe Legios is hiding him, as well. Maybe he kills Legios. Maybe he later helps sneak you aboard a ship to escape, or shows you a passage you can take, or turns you in to the authorities. The important thing is that he needs to be relevant, otherwise he isn''t worth the time and effort. If you haven''t decided who and what he will be, then don''t be cavalier about introducing him.
The story is in keeping with the quality of the first installment, but for the awkwardness of meeting Legios and the apparent lack of gameplay value. I still don''t understand the death of Legios. You''ll have to explain that.
Author
Okay I will Answer Your Questions.
You Said: Also, the "playable sequences" in this part of the story seem to be short walking scenes to get from cut scene to cut scene. You should throw in a fight, or an interactive market, or some mini-games, or an opportunity to gain optional information, or a chance to gain some levels, or something. Five cut scenes punctuated by thirty seconds of player-controlled walking isn''t gameplay, it''s an annoyance. Better to have a big unbroken cut scene than to have to pick up the controller and take a dozen steps three times to advance to storyline.
Answer: That them in a Nutshell
Also the Man with Pinpricks.....well I dont want to spoil the story but at a point in the game he becomes a member of your party but......
Part three I will try to post up by Friday but please note that I am at high school and I have homework so please bare with me!.
You Said: Also, the "playable sequences" in this part of the story seem to be short walking scenes to get from cut scene to cut scene. You should throw in a fight, or an interactive market, or some mini-games, or an opportunity to gain optional information, or a chance to gain some levels, or something. Five cut scenes punctuated by thirty seconds of player-controlled walking isn''t gameplay, it''s an annoyance. Better to have a big unbroken cut scene than to have to pick up the controller and take a dozen steps three times to advance to storyline.
Answer: That them in a Nutshell
Also the Man with Pinpricks.....well I dont want to spoil the story but at a point in the game he becomes a member of your party but......
Part three I will try to post up by Friday but please note that I am at high school and I have homework so please bare with me!.
Today, for the first time, I played Final Fantasy X, and I have to say that it''s the best game I''ve ever hated. An innovative (relatively) combat system, astonishing graphics, good voice acting, quick loads and transitions and an interesting levelling system are all excellent features, but they cannot balance out the mind-boggling crap that fills the game. I''m maybe two hours into the game, and I''ve played for all of fifteen minutes. I kill something, watch a movie, walk up some stairs, watch two movies, kill something, watch a movie. Then, I watch a cutscene, three movies and an animated sequence, followed by a short FMV clip. Then I get to walk four yards to trigger the next movie.
Holy crap, I hate that game. There are times, swear to God, that a movie ends, I get to control my character to WALK ACROSS THE ROOM and another one starts. Why, oh why didn''t they just have those four steps scripted into the cut sequence? It''s absurd.
That''s what I fear for your game, CHASIS-BLADE. I''m afraid that if you continue to write it as though you''re writing a book, it''ll turn into a gauntlet of cutscenes and dialogue, only rarely interrupted by a short playable section. Don''t go down that path, CHASIS-BLADE.
Holy crap, I hate that game. There are times, swear to God, that a movie ends, I get to control my character to WALK ACROSS THE ROOM and another one starts. Why, oh why didn''t they just have those four steps scripted into the cut sequence? It''s absurd.
That''s what I fear for your game, CHASIS-BLADE. I''m afraid that if you continue to write it as though you''re writing a book, it''ll turn into a gauntlet of cutscenes and dialogue, only rarely interrupted by a short playable section. Don''t go down that path, CHASIS-BLADE.
we obviously have diffrent views of FFX I remember repetative battle broken up by interesting cutscenes. All though I only rented it so I never got very far into the game.
In fact I would rather watch FFX the movie then play FFX the game. But maybe thats just me.
-----------------------------------------------------
Writer, Programer, Cook, I''m a Jack of all Trades
Current Design project
Chaos Factor Design Document
In fact I would rather watch FFX the movie then play FFX the game. But maybe thats just me.
-----------------------------------------------------
Writer, Programer, Cook, I''m a Jack of all Trades
Current Design project
Chaos Factor Design Document
Author
Here is Part Three....Earlier that I planned
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Part Three – 99
After taking off from the dusty sands of Eden Damien and Zeega locked in Onico on the Galactic Route-System and just let the auto pilot do the rest, The two of them felt a bit tired so they decided to hit the hay but as they approached the door to the rest of the ship the computer suddenly locked the door and demanded Access Authorization from Somebody called Caroline Reed, They had no access to the ship and they were tired so they decided to sleep on the cockpit chairs and let the gentle view of the stars send them to sleep.
It was over an hour later the Damien awoke with a startle and sat up in the chair but as he did he felt a odd sensation of vertigo and paranoia and felt himself slipping into some sort of vision-state as if somewhere somebody was sending him a message and as he realised that he fell back in the chair and let the message get through to him.
‘99’ a voice said to him ‘’99 is needing help from you on Onico!…you must hurry he must be saved for he alone holds the answer to your question…..forgive me for what I did earlier…it was necessary’ and then Damien woke up and tried to regain his sanity and cope with what he had just seen.
He knew what he heard and thought that Legios must still be alive and telling them what to do, Damien looked at the computer and saw that Onico was just twenty minuets away so he woke Zeega and took out Selek’s Spear and set the ship down on Onico – The Cave Planet.
(Playable Sequence)
After some walking through the Endless caves they found what looked like a security room so they went to check it out and see if there was anything worth taking, Damien saw a Marakee’en Machine Gun so he dropped the Spear and picked up his new weapon, Zeega was looking at the Monitors on the wall and saw at least 300 Zaga’s Diging up what looked like part of an old temple but before Zeega could watch any more the Screens went white and the number 99 appeared on all the screens followed by a high-pitch sound.
Damien Fell on the floor having some sort of Vision again but this time it was more than just that, Zeega tried to rouse him by slapping him and after a few slaps Damien woke up and turned to Zeega his eyes now bleeding after seeing the Vision, ‘I gotta save the little Guy and after wiping the blood off his Cheek he ran out the room and went down a passage….Zeega followed him.
(Playable Sequence)
After walking a bit down the passage Damien went through Zeega heard a large bang in the distance followed by a few screams from some Zaga’s, Zeega rushed down the passage to see what it was.
(Playable Sequence)
Zeega came across the body of a Zaga as he walked down that smelly passage, its eyes were all blue and Shrivelled up and his skin was going from green to a nasty red…it was dead but Zeega found something in it’s hand…..a note.
It said ‘Find the path that leads to the Haromise room in the centre of the planet, its energies will soon be ours! Selek’, Zeega put the letter in his pocket and ran off the centre of the cave.
(Playable Sequence)
After walking for quite a while through the caves Zeega found an Injured solider with Pin-Pricks all over him, He tried to rouse him but he just fell over and stopped moving, Zeega then started to walk away but the solider woke up, looked at Zeega and ran off down the cave screaming ‘NOOOOOOO’.
Zeega failed to see why the Solider ran off but he turned around and saw some sort of monster glaring at him like a dog waiting for it’s feed, Zeega readied himself and started combat.
(Fight with ???? – HP 2000 – 3 Combos)
The monster fell down dead and bled all over the cave with Pus and Organs sticking out of him, Zeega continued down the cave to find Damien.
(Playable Sequence)
At last Zeega found Damien at the edge of a large Cliff just staring into the void bellow, Zeega went over to Damien and said ‘Are you okay?’ but there was no answer…just silence until Zeega looked down and saw the roof of what looked like an Ancient Marakee temple with a strange Symbol on it.
Zeega thought for a minuet and suddenly realised that this was the Legendary Temple of Salamoi or in Human terms - the Home of the Gods, Zeega fell over and started to pray with all his heart but Damien told him that he must resist it because they had work to do, Zeega asked him ‘What do you need to do? And what did you see in that vision?’ Zeega asked him but Damien just looked at him and jumped onto the temple roof bellow and looked for a way inside.
Zeega followed him but when he landed on the roof he looked down at the entrance to the temple and saw somebody talking with a Zaga, Zeega thought for a minuet and remembered that it was no ordinary person but Kelnoik – The Body Guardian of The 4 Minds but he remembered he had to follow Damien into the temple so he lifted himself back up and continued over the roof.
(Playable Sequence)
Inside the Temple they found a Room with a golden box on a Golden alter with many funny smelling candles around it, Zeega went for a closer look but he was disturbed by a Small Zaga who was looking in from the door, Damien said ‘So you must be 99 eh’ and the little Zaga said ‘Y..Y..Yes!’ in a dry squeaky voice that could make glass break but all of a sudden Damien’s face lit up and said ‘Well you better get it quick before he comes back for you!’ and 99 went up to the alter and opened the box, he closed his eyes and stuck his hand in it and all of a sudden the room was filled with light and about 20 Seconds later it faded and 99 fell on his ass with a small thud.
But then Kelnoik came into the room and saw 99 and in fear ran up to the box and checked its contents but found nothing and then turned to the three of them and demanded an answer but he then looked at 99 eyes and saw that they twinkled with the ancient light of heaven and then he Realised that 99 had absorbed the Haromise energy and he was furious at him but before he could attack 99 Extended his long claws and drove them through Kelnoik and rattled them inside him for a bit and dragged them out again and growled at him.
Kelnoik fell over and bled lots of Marakee blood but Zeega still could not understand what had happened so he asked Damien what happened.
‘Well you know that vision I had back at the office’ Damien said to Zeega ‘Well it was from this little guy, He told me that he had learned of the temple being excavated and knew of the Haromise inside, but when Kelnoik showed he overheard him planning something with the Haromise energy – Kelnoik thought that It could give him the power to Destroy Prime and the rest of the Marakee Alliance but Little 99 Here knew that the power would only destroy him in the long term and 99 Though of taking it from him before he had a chance to Destroy Prime so he Sent me a message when I was in the control room and he asked me to help him Recover Haromise Energy before Kelnoik’ Said Damien but then 99 Said ‘She is waiting for you!!….SOLUS 8 She waits for you there’ Damien looked at him and said ‘Who is?’ and 99 Said ‘Reed….She waits and plans but you must find her first or Pain she plots’ and then Damien decided to head To SOLUS 8 and see this Reed.
(Meanwhile)
Somewhere on Eden a Figure watches the Video of the ship Destroying The SOLUS Stations and says ‘…..We have a problem….Take care of it!’.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Also I have been thinking....I would like a tail like Zeega...Call me Crazy but I feel that it would be cool...to be Halfed!.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Part Three – 99
After taking off from the dusty sands of Eden Damien and Zeega locked in Onico on the Galactic Route-System and just let the auto pilot do the rest, The two of them felt a bit tired so they decided to hit the hay but as they approached the door to the rest of the ship the computer suddenly locked the door and demanded Access Authorization from Somebody called Caroline Reed, They had no access to the ship and they were tired so they decided to sleep on the cockpit chairs and let the gentle view of the stars send them to sleep.
It was over an hour later the Damien awoke with a startle and sat up in the chair but as he did he felt a odd sensation of vertigo and paranoia and felt himself slipping into some sort of vision-state as if somewhere somebody was sending him a message and as he realised that he fell back in the chair and let the message get through to him.
‘99’ a voice said to him ‘’99 is needing help from you on Onico!…you must hurry he must be saved for he alone holds the answer to your question…..forgive me for what I did earlier…it was necessary’ and then Damien woke up and tried to regain his sanity and cope with what he had just seen.
He knew what he heard and thought that Legios must still be alive and telling them what to do, Damien looked at the computer and saw that Onico was just twenty minuets away so he woke Zeega and took out Selek’s Spear and set the ship down on Onico – The Cave Planet.
(Playable Sequence)
After some walking through the Endless caves they found what looked like a security room so they went to check it out and see if there was anything worth taking, Damien saw a Marakee’en Machine Gun so he dropped the Spear and picked up his new weapon, Zeega was looking at the Monitors on the wall and saw at least 300 Zaga’s Diging up what looked like part of an old temple but before Zeega could watch any more the Screens went white and the number 99 appeared on all the screens followed by a high-pitch sound.
Damien Fell on the floor having some sort of Vision again but this time it was more than just that, Zeega tried to rouse him by slapping him and after a few slaps Damien woke up and turned to Zeega his eyes now bleeding after seeing the Vision, ‘I gotta save the little Guy and after wiping the blood off his Cheek he ran out the room and went down a passage….Zeega followed him.
(Playable Sequence)
After walking a bit down the passage Damien went through Zeega heard a large bang in the distance followed by a few screams from some Zaga’s, Zeega rushed down the passage to see what it was.
(Playable Sequence)
Zeega came across the body of a Zaga as he walked down that smelly passage, its eyes were all blue and Shrivelled up and his skin was going from green to a nasty red…it was dead but Zeega found something in it’s hand…..a note.
It said ‘Find the path that leads to the Haromise room in the centre of the planet, its energies will soon be ours! Selek’, Zeega put the letter in his pocket and ran off the centre of the cave.
(Playable Sequence)
After walking for quite a while through the caves Zeega found an Injured solider with Pin-Pricks all over him, He tried to rouse him but he just fell over and stopped moving, Zeega then started to walk away but the solider woke up, looked at Zeega and ran off down the cave screaming ‘NOOOOOOO’.
Zeega failed to see why the Solider ran off but he turned around and saw some sort of monster glaring at him like a dog waiting for it’s feed, Zeega readied himself and started combat.
(Fight with ???? – HP 2000 – 3 Combos)
The monster fell down dead and bled all over the cave with Pus and Organs sticking out of him, Zeega continued down the cave to find Damien.
(Playable Sequence)
At last Zeega found Damien at the edge of a large Cliff just staring into the void bellow, Zeega went over to Damien and said ‘Are you okay?’ but there was no answer…just silence until Zeega looked down and saw the roof of what looked like an Ancient Marakee temple with a strange Symbol on it.
Zeega thought for a minuet and suddenly realised that this was the Legendary Temple of Salamoi or in Human terms - the Home of the Gods, Zeega fell over and started to pray with all his heart but Damien told him that he must resist it because they had work to do, Zeega asked him ‘What do you need to do? And what did you see in that vision?’ Zeega asked him but Damien just looked at him and jumped onto the temple roof bellow and looked for a way inside.
Zeega followed him but when he landed on the roof he looked down at the entrance to the temple and saw somebody talking with a Zaga, Zeega thought for a minuet and remembered that it was no ordinary person but Kelnoik – The Body Guardian of The 4 Minds but he remembered he had to follow Damien into the temple so he lifted himself back up and continued over the roof.
(Playable Sequence)
Inside the Temple they found a Room with a golden box on a Golden alter with many funny smelling candles around it, Zeega went for a closer look but he was disturbed by a Small Zaga who was looking in from the door, Damien said ‘So you must be 99 eh’ and the little Zaga said ‘Y..Y..Yes!’ in a dry squeaky voice that could make glass break but all of a sudden Damien’s face lit up and said ‘Well you better get it quick before he comes back for you!’ and 99 went up to the alter and opened the box, he closed his eyes and stuck his hand in it and all of a sudden the room was filled with light and about 20 Seconds later it faded and 99 fell on his ass with a small thud.
But then Kelnoik came into the room and saw 99 and in fear ran up to the box and checked its contents but found nothing and then turned to the three of them and demanded an answer but he then looked at 99 eyes and saw that they twinkled with the ancient light of heaven and then he Realised that 99 had absorbed the Haromise energy and he was furious at him but before he could attack 99 Extended his long claws and drove them through Kelnoik and rattled them inside him for a bit and dragged them out again and growled at him.
Kelnoik fell over and bled lots of Marakee blood but Zeega still could not understand what had happened so he asked Damien what happened.
‘Well you know that vision I had back at the office’ Damien said to Zeega ‘Well it was from this little guy, He told me that he had learned of the temple being excavated and knew of the Haromise inside, but when Kelnoik showed he overheard him planning something with the Haromise energy – Kelnoik thought that It could give him the power to Destroy Prime and the rest of the Marakee Alliance but Little 99 Here knew that the power would only destroy him in the long term and 99 Though of taking it from him before he had a chance to Destroy Prime so he Sent me a message when I was in the control room and he asked me to help him Recover Haromise Energy before Kelnoik’ Said Damien but then 99 Said ‘She is waiting for you!!….SOLUS 8 She waits for you there’ Damien looked at him and said ‘Who is?’ and 99 Said ‘Reed….She waits and plans but you must find her first or Pain she plots’ and then Damien decided to head To SOLUS 8 and see this Reed.
(Meanwhile)
Somewhere on Eden a Figure watches the Video of the ship Destroying The SOLUS Stations and says ‘…..We have a problem….Take care of it!’.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Also I have been thinking....I would like a tail like Zeega...Call me Crazy but I feel that it would be cool...to be Halfed!.
Not just you Techno. I never understood the FF appeal, not after maybe II or III. Visually great, but as a game - I wondered why they needed me. Basically I was playing the game to unlock the next cinematic.
A friend got copies of the cinematics and recorded game play, pieced together so you could watch it like a movie. Loved it. He also has the individual cutscenes as music videos - again, great to watch.
And now, back to the thread!
A friend got copies of the cinematics and recorded game play, pieced together so you could watch it like a movie. Loved it. He also has the individual cutscenes as music videos - again, great to watch.
And now, back to the thread!
This topic is closed to new replies.
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