Removed for personal problems... [Edited by - darkandevil on November 8, 2004 5:16:38 PM]

I recommend that you keep an eye on repetition.

The sky is dark, the clouds are dark, the moon is dark...(can you see a dark moon?)

"Suddenly without any type of visual warning" is repetitive because "Suddenly" and "Without any type of visual warning" are essentially the same thing. You really only need one or the other...although I would contend that "without any type of visual warning" could be improved, or just removed. Describing what doesn't exist just seems awkward. If you describe what does exist, it's easier to visualize.

"Suddenly, a bright light in the middle of the dew covered forest..."

Also, watch the dialogue from this Goblin leader. He starts out talking like Gollum, and then gets clearer. Some of his comments feel awkward, or even forced... does he really need to explain to his other goblin buddies that their army is large, but that the elves can defeat them with magic? Is this something they don't already know? I'm sure that simply rewording this will still inform the reader as to what's going on without it sounding forced.

Finally, be careful of some of your description. You lost me a little bit in some of it, as it didn't always seem clear as to who or what was being described. For example, I wasn't sure who was speaking until later in the paragraph.

Smakks woke up twice, ("Smakks awoke with a hurry, but soon laid back down" is the second time) leading me to think that what I thought was Smakks earlier wasn't.

Earlier, Smakks notices the light, and *then* wakes up, stands, and sees it. How did it catch his attention while he was sleeping?

"drew the attention of a camper in the forest, more commonly known as Creahob."

At first I thought the campers name was Creahob, not the forest. Try rewording it: "drew the attention of a camper in the Creahob forest." or "a bright light in the middle of the dew covered Creahob Forest drew the attention of a camper..."

"stood upright almost too fast for this speedy creature"

Try rewording this as well. If he's speedy, couldn't he stand up quickly?

Anyway, these are just some suggestions that might help. Read through the whole thing and look for more sentences that might be similarly improved.

You don't have enough text to make any over-all comments, and I'm assuming such points such as how/why Smakks is there in the forest at night would be explained. (If he could teleport himself home at any time, why would he be in the forest? I'm curious to find out.)

Overall, I think that it's an interesting beginning to a story, but probably just needs some cleaning up to tighten it and make it clearer. Try reading it out loud to yourself. If the sentences seem a little confusing when it's read out loud, try re-wording them. (For some reason, awkward sentences sometimes escape notice on the page as opposed to when you say them out loud.)

Good luck!

Thanks for the help. These are just my rough drafts, and the main characters, etc, will not be the same in my game, as they will be chosen, like the beginning of Morrowind. Anyway, look later for my second/<bold>revised</bold> version.

Removed, as stated above.

[Edited by - darkandevil on November 8, 2004 5:16:07 PM]