Okay, this story is very complex, so try to stick with me: There are FOUR countries: For the purpose of this post they are, 1 2 3 and 4. Easy, huh? Country 1 and 2 are strong allies, and have been for centuries. Country 3 is a weak ally, not in strength but in reliability. Its king (King 3) is known for being arrogant and greedy. Country 4 is the strongest nation in the continent, but normally minds its own business. Here are the characters that I need to describe for the sake of this post: President Kilye: female. Youngest president Country 1 has ever seen. Very strong willed. Kaldur: Very educated bodyguard/advisor of the president of Country 1 (Kilye). King Dunar: King of Country 2. Well respected VERY old man, near death. Loved by his people, is known for being just. Kira: Daughter of King Dunar. As a female, she is not the heir to the throne. Roein: Dunar's assistant. President Huulen: King of Country 3. Known for his unwaivering patriotism which won him the election. Arrogant, thinks his country the best. Those are all the ROYAL characters. Now for the real characters: (names viable to change) Jonas: Our Hero. Raised in Country 1. Went to college in Country 2 with Brindis. Brindis: Raised in Country 2. Kinter: Raised in Country 2. Total patriot, will do anything for his country. Thel: Raised in Country 2. Very kind hearted. Those are all the characters. Now the background: There is an area bordering Country 1 and 2 known as the Deadlands. Nothing grows there, no one lives there etc. Suddenly, life starts sprouting up at a hugely rapid pace. Kilye manages to dig through history and myth and learns of something that the First Rune. It is a magic of some sort that is able to CREATE (not heal, mind you) life. To avoid war and show that she is honest, she decides to bring this up to the people of Countries 2 and 3. She explains that such a magic, in the wrong hands, could be used to create an infinite army and essentially take power over the world. All three countries rush their men out to the newly full of life Deadlands to search for this rune. Jonas, Brindis, Kinter, and Thel find the Rune with an old mage. He explains that he created the Deadlands in an effort to kill the king of an ancient country that no longer exists. The king had something called the "Last Rune". It is able to bypass fate. Not control the future, but essentially take full control of the present. Anything that should happen in the future (new countries sprouting up, revolutions, death) could be avoided with the Last Rune. Well, suddenly, Brindis rushes to kill the old man and take his Rune. His general had given him the secret orders to do so since he knew how patriotic Brindis was. The reason Country 2's general would do this is because King Dunar was killed by his daughter Kira. She took the throne by force and is determined to take the First Rune. Theo tries to stop Brindis and they both end up killing eachother. The rune passes to Jonas and he and his friends run away. All three countries break out into war, each thinking the other has the rune. Country 4 gets involved and things get really messy. Eventually, Huulen gets his hands on the Last Rune, and here's eventually a dramatic showdown between Jonas and Huulen. WHEW! Sorry that was so long guys. I actually even took a lot out of it in order to simplify. Thanks for reading it! What'd you think? Suggestions? Criticisms? [Edited by - Todemu on November 30, 2006 5:35:38 PM]

now, do not be offended, but there is not much of a story here.

Magical Artifact. Four countries looking for it. Four countries fighting for it...

It has been done so many times, that it feels like a cliche, sorry.

what is interesting is the idea of Rune - its capabilities i mean (the Last Rune's). think you should develop the Runes' powers more. Also, maybe create more Runes between First and Last one?

to make each king a different type of character is refreshing too (no usual uber evil because they like to be evil types).

i do not like the idea of country one telling everyone that there exists a weapon that could make them the winner. it is very unrealistic. something like that could be an act of an individual, but not an act of a responsible ruler of a kingdom.

to wrap it up. i think that character and idea of Runes are quite usable elements of a future story/game. but the present story is too weak, to interest anyone.

so, yes, your material has all the ingredients for a good story, but has no interesting storyline.

just my 5 cents...

[Edited by - Borkhan on December 1, 2006 11:58:45 AM]

Thanks for the feedback. I see what your saying about there being a lack of a storyline. I ommitted some important pieces here. Let me add this:
If the Last Rune is used to bypass fate, it also opens a door to "The Children of Chaos". Chaos is more or less the creator of the universe, and more importantly the runes. Think of him as a god. His children are chaos. Enough said.

As for this sounding like a cliche, I think you're partly right. It's an unlikely hero who gets some magical powers and can then save the world. But it's a video game, and an unlikely hero helps make the player feel more like he actually is the character.
I also think that the intense politics I've involved in the countries have really taken away from the cliche-ness of the story. Each country is a real country, rather than another enemy. But I do see where you're coming from. Thanks for saying so, so that I may hope to leave that road.

President of Country 1 told the people from the other countries because:
If they found out that she knew about this rune and didn't tell them, it would be clear to them that she was trying to take the power for herself. All the countries on the continent would ally against her and destroy her country. See? Politically, it makes total sense. She is keeping in mind the best action for her people.

The story is this: eventually king of Country 3 finds the First Rune and becomes the enemy of the Hero. Hero has to save the world from the destructive power of King 3, and the Children of Chaos. That's fairly storylineish. Right?

Again, thanks a lot for the feedback. Don't see this post as me defending my storyline, just trying to explain it a little better.

yep
maybe i was a bit confused as your story is happening on basically two levels, two theaters of war. first one is the state level and second one is the, let us call it "hero" level.

First theatre (scene) is the interchange between states and second theatre are the Deadlands (where individuals search and fight). It is like having to POV for the same game.

Which could be confusing (if I am right, that is :-))

adding:
of course, you could put the interaction between the states in the background. Like, messengers bringing orders, information and questions from the kings to individual characters? So all the action is on the level/theatre of individuals in Deadlands. Of course, you can change the theater later to other places, even to th e courts. That doable? I think it would simplify the game, but not make it less rich?

[Edited by - Borkhan on December 2, 2006 11:26:24 AM]