Hello, Just throw this together to show people what i can do in Five minutes, I looked at it after and thought that it was quite good, can you guys help me out and give me some feed back, grammer, spelling, good/bad, changing words, etc. I will gain nothing from it but knowledge. "The Tears didn't even reach his cheek before the clink of metal told him that it was over. Bullshit he thought, your life doesn't flash before your eyes, there’s really not enough time, as this thought drifted through his head, another sound burst in, another clink of metal, this time from the trigger. The hot sensation pierced the back of his skull, like a spoon through strawberry ice cream on a hot summers day, but it wasn't a hot summers day and that wasn't a spoon. Blood spurted out of the hole like when a beer can springs a leak, all pink foam and red slosh. The bullet stopped the mans thoughts, not because it had some mental power, but because it ripped through his brain like tissue paper. The last thing he tasted was metal as the bullet came out of his mouth and imbedded itself into the dirt floor. The body, The shell of a once fine human being knelled there for a minute, then flopped as all life was snuffed out from it and there was no longer any use for it. The gun from which the bullet was fired, was held by a man of just sixteen, lied to get into the marines, had blonde hair, had just killed his very first VC like an animal, not even an animal could you call this prisoner, he was a bug under the foot of this teenage murderer." Cheers. _________________________

Pretty good BUT

You might want to spell check, with the tool, then just read through it yourself.

There was a lot of things that made me just say "Duh..." Like the bullet pierced the man's thoughts... not because et cetera et cetera...

And The Strawberry ice cream was a very nice and happy similie compared to a very dark subject. It just seemed to me that it didn't fit.

Other wise very good.

Alright i will do, maybe i should take out the explaining, that and change that ice cream bit to a darker thing.

Cheers for the advice.

The scene is well done, just needs a major overhaul. Here are a 'few' pointers:

As Rusty Knight said, "not because it had some mental power, but because it ripped through his brain like tissue paper." is completely unnecessary.

"Bullshit he thought" should be corrected to "Bullshit he thought"
I'd also rewrite: "your life doesn't flash before your eyes, there’s really not enough time, "your life doesn't flash before your eyes, there’s really not enough time," . Somehow conveying the same message.

Again I agree with Rusty Knight, the ice cream simile doesn't fit well into it. Instead you could have said something like "The hot sensation pierced the back of his skull, as if the bone was merely [insert something weak here]"

Much like my first point, this is also useless "but it wasn't a hot summers day and that wasn't a spoon."

"The body, The shell of a once fine human being knelled there for a minute, then flopped as all life was snuffed out from it and there was no longer any use for it." corrects to:

"The body, the shell, of a once fine human being knelt there for a minute, then flopped to the floor as all life was snuffed out from it and there was no longer any use for it."

"was held by a man of just sixteen" MAN of sixteen? or boy, either could be used. Boy could be used due to his age. Man due to him having just killed someone, showing his 'strength'. I don't have a problem with what you used, but make sure you portray him properly.

The double use of comma's ", lied to get into the marines, had blonde hair," breaks the sentence up too much, try adding the blonde hair in earlier.
Something like:
"was held by a blonde man of just sixteen, lied to get into the marines,"

"like an animal" implies the shooter is an animal, to make it sound as if the prisoner was an animal you'd write "as if he was an animal".
Another way of writing it would be like this, however both are as good as each other, simply giving you more options.
"as if he was an animal, no...not an animal, he was a bug under the foot of this teenage murderer."


Sorry about the massive amount of criticism however you did want us to try and improve on it :) Hopefully the advice proves useful and hope to see your works later on.

No thats great, got to make this perfect, not for any reason, well not any work related reason just personal.

Here it is. Oh and i'm not sure how to do italics in this so i'm ganna just put it in bold.

The Tears didn't even reach his cheek before the clink of metal told him that it was over. Bullshit he thought, your life doesn't flash before your eyes, there’s really not enough time, as this thought drifted through his head, another sound burst in, another clink of metal, this time from the trigger. The hot sensation pierced the back of his skull, like it was merely tissue paper. Blood spurted out of the hole like when a beer can springs a leak, all pink foam and red slosh. The bullet stopped the man’s thoughts dead in their tracks. The last thing he tasted was metal as the bullet came out of his mouth and imbedded itself into the dirt floor. The body, the shell, of a once fine human being knelt there for a minute, then flopped to the floor as all life was snuffed out from it and there was no longer any use for it.

The gun from which the bullet was fired, was held by a fair haired kid of just sixteen, lied to get into the marines, had just killed his very first VC like he was an animal, not even an, a bug under the foot of this teenage murderer. He slung the M16 over his shoulder and spat onto the floor; the cluster of green uniforms broke up and wandered off to find other amusement all with smirks on their faces. The fair haired man was branded Redneck by his squad members, just because he was from down south. He whipped a smudge of blood off of his dirty cheek, he stood their, he stood their and he looked, he looked and he looked at the drop of blood on his finger tips. Then the call went up. They were moving back again, the helicopters already starting to fall from the heavens; to the soldiers they really were angels, coming to take them to cool showers and hot meals. Redneck grabbed his bag, wiped the blood smear on his trousers and ran off to the helicopter.

“guys? Why you recon they send us into take this land and then just drag us back out?” said one of the green uniformed figures in the corner of the helicopter. “Well…” started sergeant Mills “for starters it’s none of your damn business, man who is paying you to ask questions anyway?” he spitted with an air of superiority. “Its cause this aint no war where we are getting land, this is a slaughter see? We only here to…” shouted one man over the now whirling helicopter blades. “We only here to kill those Asians, nuttin’ else.” yelled another, “though Asian boys should be doing that themselves” said the first man. “What is all this chatter for? You hear redneck complaining about it?” screamed Mills. Oh great Redneck thought bitterly just like that, he had became the serge’s favourite. “I am not complaining about no killing” said Redneck in a high pitched voice as he thought over the helicopters whirl. There he sighed that should keep them off of my back."


added a bit in at the end, i plan to do this, feel free to add in some stuff to, you know, make it a community thing.


Cheers

_____________________

How about?

Quote:
The tears didn't even reach his cheek before the concussion told him it was over. Bullshit He thought, your life doesn't flash before your eyes, there isn't any time. As this thought drifted through his cranium it was shattered by burning lead. The bullet ripped through his brain, takeing everything with it. Then the grotesque faceless body flopped to the ground as life had no further use for it.

Quote: Original post by Punk Designer
The Tears didn't even reach his cheek before the clink of metal told him that it was over. Bullshit he thought, your life doesn't flash before your eyes, there’s really not enough time, as this thought drifted through his head, another sound burst in, another clink of metal, this time from the trigger. The hot sensation pierced the back of his skull, like it was merely tissue paper. Blood spurted out of the hole like when a beer can springs a leak, all pink foam and red slosh. The bullet stopped the man’s thoughts dead in their tracks. The last thing he tasted was metal as the bullet came out of his mouth and imbedded itself into the dirt floor. The body, the shell, of a once fine human being knelt there for a minute, then flopped to the floor as all life was snuffed out from it and there was no longer any use for it.

The gun from which the bullet was fired, was held by a fair haired kid of just sixteen, lied to get into the marines, had just killed his very first VC like he was an animal, not even an, a bug under the foot of this teenage murderer. He slung the M16 over his shoulder and spat onto the floor; the cluster of green uniforms broke up and wandered off to find other amusement all with smirks on their faces. The fair haired man was branded Redneck by his squad members, just because he was from down south. He whipped a smudge of blood off of his dirty cheek, he stood their, he stood their and he looked, he looked and he looked at the drop of blood on his finger tips. Then the call went up. They were moving back again, the helicopters already starting to fall from the heavens; to the soldiers they really were angels, coming to take them to cool showers and hot meals. Redneck grabbed his bag, wiped the blood smear on his trousers and ran off to the helicopter.
“guys? Why you recon they send us into take this land and then just drag us back out?” said one of the green uniformed figures in the corner of the helicopter. “Well…” started sergeant Mills “for starters it’s none of your damn business, man who is paying you to ask questions anyway?” he spitted with an air of superiority. “Its cause this aint no war where we are getting land, this is a slaughter see? We only here to…” shouted one man over the now whirling helicopter blades. “We only here to kill those Asians, nuttin’ else.” yelled another, “though Asian boys should be doing that themselves” said the first man. “What is all this chatter for? You hear redneck complaining about it?” screamed Mills. Oh great Redneck thought bitterly just like that, he had became the serge’s favourite. “I am not complaining about no killing” said Redneck in a high pitched voice as he thought over the helicopters whirl. There he sighed that should keep them off of my back."

Each time a new person speaks, start a new line.

The dialog seems naive, and inconsistent in its language. For example: "I am not complaining about no killing" strikes me as being a bit weird - the lack of contractions at the start of the sentence and the double negative at the end seem rather incongruous. Also the whole exchange doesn't seem to make a great deal of sense.

Overall this stuff reads a bit too much like a stream of consciousness. That's fine for a first draft, but you need to organise your thoughts a bit more for subsequent cuts.

Also there are still spelling and grammatical mistakes ('recon', 'spitted', repeated incorrect use of 'their') strange sentence constructions involving too many commas and word repetitions that could do with being fixed. ("He whipped a smudge of blood off of his dirty cheek, he stood their, he stood their and he looked, he looked and he looked at the drop of blood on his finger tips." - This entire sentence needs to die)

Cheers for the comments, I took the last line from MSW. And I took pretty much all of sandman’s advice; though the speech was meant to slightly off as it's just that, speech. I agree about the comma's though I was hopping that would convey some sort of madness or a strange feeling, obviously that failed.

The Tears didn't even reach his cheek before the clink of metal told him that it was all over. Bullshit he thought, your life doesn't flash before your eyes, there’s really not enough time, as this thought drifted through his head, another sound burst in, another clink of metal. The hot sensation pierced the back of his skull, like it was merely tissue paper. Blood spurted out of the hole like when a beer can springs a leak, all pink foam and red slosh. The bullet stopped the man’s thoughts dead in their tracks. The last thing he tasted was metal as the bullet came out of his mouth and imbedded itself into the dirt floor. The body, the shell, of a once fine human being knelt there for a minute and then flopped to the floor as life had no further use for it.

The gun from which the bullet was fired was held by a fair haired kid of just sixteen, lied to get into the marines, had just killed his very first VC like he was an animal! Not even an animal, a bug under the foot of this teenage murderer. He slung the M16 over his shoulder and spat onto the floor; the cluster of green uniforms broke up and wandered off to find other amusement all with smirks on their faces. The fair haired man was branded Redneck by his squad members, just because he was from down south. He whipped a smudge of blood off of his dirty cheek, he stood their and he looked at the drop of blood on his finger tips with a blank stare. Then the call went up. They were moving back again, the helicopters already starting to fall from the heavens; to the soldiers they really were angels, coming to take them to cool showers and hot meals. Redneck grabbed his bag, wiped the blood smear on his trousers and ran off to the helicopter.

“Guys? Why you recon they send us in to take this land and then just drag us back out?” said one of the green uniformed figures in the corner of the helicopter. “Well…” started sergeant Mills “for starters it’s none of your damn business, man who is paying you to ask questions anyway?” he spat with an air of superiority. “Its cause this aint no war! We aren’t fighting to get land, this is a slaughter see? We only here to…” shouted one man over the now whirling helicopter blades.
“We only here to kill those Asians, nuttin’ else.” yelled another,
“Asian boys should be doing that themselves” said the first man.
“What is all this chatter for? You hear redneck complaining about it?” screamed Mills. Oh great Redneck thought bitterly just like that, he had became the serge’s favourite, out cast from the rest of the squad.
“I’m not complaining about getting action!” said Redneck in a high pitched voice as he thought over the helicopters whirl. There he sighed that should keep them off of my back.

More comments please, personally I would like to make this as impacting a three paragraphs as I can. Cheers.

_____________________________

Quote: Original post by Punk Designer
The Tears1 didn't even reach his cheek before the clink of metal told him that it was all over. Bullshit he thought, your life doesn't flash before your eyes, there’s really not enough time, as this thought drifted through his head, another sound burst in, another clink of metal.2 The hot sensation pierced the back of his skull, like it was merely tissue paper. Blood spurted out of the hole like when a beer can springs a leak, all pink foam and red slosh. The bullet stopped the man’s thoughts dead in their tracks. The last thing he tasted was metal as the bullet came out of his mouth and imbedded3 itself into the dirt floor. The body, the shell, of a once fine human being knelt there for a minute and then flopped to the floor as life had no further use for it.

The gun from which the bullet was fired was held by a fair haired kid of just sixteen, lied to get into the marines, had just killed his very first VC like he was an animal! Not even an animal, a bug under the foot of this teenage murderer.4 He slung the M16 over his shoulder and spat onto the floor; the cluster of green uniforms broke up and wandered off to find other amusement all with smirks on their faces. The fair haired man was branded Redneck by his squad members, just because he was from down south.5 He whipped6 a smudge of blood off of7 his dirty cheek, he stood their8 and he looked at the drop of blood on his finger tips with a blank stare. Then the call went up. They were moving back again, the helicopters already starting to fall from the heavens; to the soldiers they really were angels, coming to take them to cool showers and hot meals. Redneck grabbed his bag, wiped the blood smear on his trousers and ran off to the helicopter.

“Guys? Why you recon9 they send us in to take this land and then just drag us back out?” said one of the green uniformed figures in the corner of the helicopter.10 “Well…” started sergeant Mills “for starters it’s none of your damn business, man who is paying you to ask questions anyway?” he spat with an air of superiority. “Its cause this aint11 no war! We aren’t fighting to get land, this is a slaughter see? We only here to…” shouted one man over the now whirling helicopter blades.
“We only here to kill those Asians, nuttin’ else.” yelled another,
“Asian boys should be doing that themselves” said the first man.
“What is all this chatter for? You hear redneck complaining about it?” screamed Mills. Oh great Redneck thought bitterly just like that12, he had became the serge’s favourite, out cast13 from the rest of the squad.
“I’m not complaining about getting action!” said Redneck in a high pitched voice as he thought over the helicopters whirl.14 There he sighed that should keep them off of my back.15

First of all, it's good that you've got one of the hardest skills down already - the ability to take criticism well. Which is good, because I have some more for you [grin].

Some of these are spelling errors and grammatical errors you've missed. Proof reading your own work can be hard, so this is not a major criticism. Some are more to do with style, and these are arguably more important.

1. Tears should not be capitalized.
2. This sentence is still too long and disjointed, with too many commas. From an artistic point of view, it doesn't quite work for me either, putting me inside the head of one person, only for that person to be blown away and the story continued from a completely different perspective. This sentence needs rethinking.
3. Embedded.
4. You're trying to generate an emotional response in the reader, but you're doing it ineffectively. In fact, you're spoiling the emotional response generated by the previous paragraph by beating the user over the head with your opinion of it. Be more neutral in your tone, and let the reader decide how to feel. I'd cut this line out completely, and replace with some of Redneck's reflections on what he's just done.
5. This bit of introduction to the Redneck character seems a bit out of place and random, and it interrupts the flow. Introduce him at the start of this paragraph. Try and keep the basics of the introduction (his age, his description, etc) in one place.
6. Wiped?
7. Replace 'off of' with 'from'.
8. 'There', not 'their'. That said, telling me 'he stood there' doesn't actually tell me anything. It does make the narration tone sound rather casual, as if you're telling the story to your mates at the pub. This is probably not the effect you're going for, so it's probably better to use a more concise and neutral tone.
9. Reckon
10. A new person is about to speak... so add a new line.
11. Apostrophes when using contractions. 'cause and ain't. Especially important with the former since "cause" is a word in it's own right, which makes the sentence harder to parse.
12. This highlights the importance of correct comma usage and/or separating the character's thoughts from the narration, ie. by using italics. At first reading, the "just like that" seems like part of the narration and as a result the whole sentence scans badly.
13. Outcast is one word. It might be better to just use 'cast out' though.
14. This line is a bit confused. He's talking as he's thinking over the helicopter's whirl? It doesn't make much sense.
15. Again, separate speech from narration by using italics.

This is going great, cheers for the advice. Still don't know how to do italics so I'll do it in bold.

The tears didn't even reach his cheek before the clink of metal told him that it was all over, they say that you're life flashes before your eyes right before you die, that’s bullshit there isn't enough time. The hot sensation pierced the back of his skull, like it was merely tissue paper. Blood spurted out of the hole like when a beer can springs a leak, all pink foam and red slosh. The bullet stopped the man’s thoughts dead in their tracks. The last thing he tasted was metal as the bullet came out of his mouth and embedded itself into the dirt floor. The body, the shell, of a once fine human being knelt there for a minute and then flopped to the floor as life had no further use for it.

The gun from which the bullet was fired was held by a fair haired kid of just sixteen, lied to get into the marines and was branded Redneck by his squad members just because he was from down south. He had just killed his very first VC. He leered, his very first confirmed kill. He slung the M16 over his shoulder and spat onto the floor; the cluster of green uniforms broke up and wandered off to find other amusement all with smirks on their faces. He wiped a smudge of blood from his dirty cheek; he stood there paralyzed for a second just looking at the drop of blood on his finger tips with a blank stare. Then the call went up. They were moving back again, the helicopters already starting to fall from the heavens; to the soldiers they really were angels, coming to take them to cool showers and hot meals. Redneck grabbed his bag, wiped the blood smear on his trousers and ran off to the helicopter.

“Guys? Why you reckon they send us in to take this land and then just drag us back out?” said one of the green uniformed figures in the corner of the helicopter.
“Well…” started sergeant Mills “for starters it’s none of your damn business, boy who is paying you to ask questions anyway?” he spat with an air of superiority.
“It’s ‘cause this ain’t no war! We aren’t fighting to get land, this is a slaughter see? We only here to…” shouted one man over the now whirling helicopter blades.
“We only here to kill those Asians, nuttin’ else.” yelled another,
“Asian boys should be doing that for themselves” said the first man.
“What is all this chatter for? You hear redneck complaining about it?” screamed Mills. Oh great Redneck thought bitterly just like that, he had became the serge’s favourite, cast out from the rest of the squad.
“I’m not complaining about getting action!” said Redneck in a high pitched voice as he fought over the helicopters whirl. There he sighed that should keep them off of my back.