Greetings all. I am working on a sample of my writing in the style of Obsidian/Bioware/Black Isle. This is hopefully going to become part of my portfolio and future resume submissions, but I need some good criticism first. The piece itself is in a WORD document using hyperlinks for the player dialog choices. It is around 4500 words, but plays quickly as you are not going to read every part. Posting it in this thread would be difficult if not impossible, but I am willing to host or individually send the WORD file (based on preference). I have a significant background in fiction, play writing, screen writing, and I promise it won't be a waste of time. Also, if you love to lay into writing without remorse, this is your chance, I need it. Any help will be greatly appreciated. Thank you, Dan

Not to be rude, but you probably want to post a small sample in this thread, if you want people to ask you about it and take the time to go through it.

Posting a sample won't make any sense...as there is only ever three lines at the most before the player has to make a dialog choice, and then the thing can jump around to a completely different part of the document. Or are samples supposed to be that short? I've always come from the school of thought where reading at least a third of any piece is necessary before you can justify going on or not.

I do, however, see where you are coming from. I would be reluctant to go downloading Billy Bob's random story too. So now I have a question to shoot back at you (or others): what do you want in a sample? How long should it be, what should it contain, should I ignore the dialog choices or include a select few, etc. Thanks.

just post a random paragraph and the "player's" optional responses, and a link to your word document ;P

Okay, here is the sample:

Camilla: I tried to save him. Everyone else looked upon him with fear, disgust, and anger…but he was still just a helpless newborn child. My instinct took over. I wrapped him up, ran out of the house, and tried to protect him from harm.

Camilla: They called me a witch because of it, they beat me for it, and now they are going to kill me for it. The lady Margaret would have done the same if she could, any true mother would shield a newborn, no matter how ugly or deformed.

Responses:
1. What was wrong with the child?
2. Why were you accused in the first place?
3. What happened at the trial?
4. What do you want me to do?
5. I don’t care about your problems. Good bye.



and the file:

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=CPS8QNPC

Thanks a lot!

could you post from the beginning or introduce the setting of this dialogue? The context is vague. What character is talking to Camilla? The responses seem detached and don't follow logically from the dialogue. When I read it, I felt that the Camilla's comment was simply abruptly cut. It does not flow well if the player sudden ask a question.

If this was the beginning, all of the responses seem inappropriate, because you didn't prompt the player to be involved. The random passage that you happened to pick look quite dyfunc.

This is exactly why I didn't want to post a sample. The beginning is VERY short before you start making dialog choices. This was supposed to entice you or give you a sense my style, not be a summary or launching point. The setting is completely generic, as it is un-important to the story and writing. The questions seem detached because they are part of a question node, where the PC asks for information until he reads everything or is ready to move on. Inside an actual game, triggers could eliminate answered questions as the responses are read by the player.

Again, this is all why I didn't want to post a sample. They will either be too short, out of context, or both. This is all good however, as I'm getting feedback on samples :P