WARNING: This story has been typed up, printed out, and mailed to myself via registered mail. To those of you who don't know, that's as good as a copyright. that makes all of the following my property, and if copied or stolen, I can take legal action. Just protecting what's mine :). UPDATE: This story has been copyrighted. now you can all stop nagging me about my poor mans copyright. Legend of Ne'Ral: Table of Contents: 1 - Background 1.1 - History of Ne'Ral 1.2 - History of the Nations 1.3 - The races 2 - Characters 2.1 - Protagonists 2.2 - Antagonists 3 - Plot 3.1 - Chapter 1: Fall of the Rebellion 3.2 - Chapter 2: The Hunter and the Hunted 3.3 - Chapter 3: Rise of the Silver Gods 3.4 - Chapter 4: Allegiance and Annihilation -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1.1 History of Ne'Ral The three nations of Ne'Ral have been in an uneasy truce for sixteen years following the end of the 700 year war. Despite the truce, all three nations maintain a significant military force, ever wary that the conflict will break out again. There are other cities and religious colonies that do not reside within the three nations, but they are few and far between. The world has a history of invention and technology, but the knowledge of these advancements was lost in the war. The remnants of what is called the old world are now scattered relics and archaeological dig sites. Though the technology is lost, magic is still common, and enchanted artifacts have replaced technological advancement. 1.2 History of the Nations Vayl: Vayl is a nation largely concerned with class and social standing.There are three classes: High, Middle, and low. The high class live in beautiful and luxurious cities, were the middle class are allowed to work. The low class, however, are not allowed in these cities, and are forced to live in small colonies through out the deserts of Vayl. The Vaylen government is a monarchy, Ruled by a royal family that came into power sometime in the first 200 years of the war, however the exact year is a mystery. During the years since the end of the war, the country has had a large amount of rebellion from the lower class. V'Aldej: V'Aldej is a nation founded on equality and order. They have a democratic society, and a strict set of laws that are enforced by the military. During the war, the V'Aldej were responsible for the negotiations that led to the truce. The V'Aldej strongly disagree with the state of affairs in Vayl, but cannot interfere, lest risk restarting the war. Feryn: Feryn is a very spiritual nation. They believe in being one with nature and living off the land. The people who inhabit Feryn are not human, but a race human like creatures call "The Feryn". (more on the Feryn in the "Races" section.) During the war, the Feryn did not fight unless provoked, and only defended there own land from invaders. Feryn doesn't have a government, instead listening to the voice of nature for guidance. 1.3 The Races Human: One of the most numerous races in the world. They are among the youngest races in the world, and regarded by many of the wiser races as rash and naive. The Feryn: similar in appearance to humans, the Feryn differ in small ways. They have long pointed ears, they are taller and more graceful than humans. Most Feryn live separate from Humans in the forests and jungles of their home nation. They have slightly longer life spans that humans living to around 200 years old. The Leer: A race of Canine-like creatures, they are a race that varies in appearance and attitude depending on breed. They are generally hunters and vagabonds, but some breeds are famous for their military service. They have slightly shorter life spans than humans, living to about 50. The Druid: A race of goat like creatures. They are one of the oldest races in the world, as well as the wisest. They posses immense magical power, but almost never use it. They have extremely long life spans, but how old they can become varies by centuries. It seems like they decide on their own when it is their time to leave the world rather than passing of old age. The oldest of the Druid is nearly 1000. The Ma'Dynn: When people speak of the Ma'Dynn, it is with fear in their voices. Though they are thought by many to be merely a bed time story, ancient writings lead scholars to believe that they may have actually existed. The Ma'Dynn resembled humans. They had pale skin, milky eyes, and dark lips. They were an autonomous and emotionless force. This is the legend surrounding the Ma'Dynn: In the time before the great war, there was a fourth nation. That nation was called Dynn. The people of Dynn were gifted mages, rivaling the power of the Druid. Unlike the Druid, however, the Dynn used their power. They became drunk with it and greedy for more. And so they sought more power... And found it. Those that found this power "ascended" and these new beings called themselves the Ma'Dynn ( "Ma" being the Dynn word for higher or greater). The Ma'Dynn believed that they were gods among men, and sought to rule the other nations. Now leaders of the Nai'Dynn (Nai being the Dynn word for lesser or lower), the Ma'Dynn waged war against the other nations. The other nation stood together, though, and fought the Ma'Dynn army back. The Ma'Dynn were not pleased and they blamed the Nai'Dynn for being the weak link. So, in a glorious massacre, the Nai'Dynn were wiped out by the Ma'Dynn. The other nations were still too much for the Ma'Dynn to handle, however, and the Ma'Dynn were destroyed. 2.1 Protagonists: Name: Xane Age: 23 Sex: Male Nationality: Unknown (presumably Vaylen) Race: Human Weapon: Gun-sword (I realize that FF8 did it, but they don't own rights to the idea!) Xane is a mysterious young man. He does not reveal much about himself except that he hates the royal family of Vayl. He is mercilessly pursued by the Vayl army, but it is unclear why. Name: Jynn Age: 21 Sex: Female Nationality: V'Aldej by birth (Raised in Vayl) Race: Human Weapon: Dual pistols Jynn's family fled V'Aldej after her father was sentenced to life in prison while she was an infant. Although she could return to V'Aldej at any time, Jynn's caring and selfless nature led her to join a Vaylen resistance group led by her father. Name: Bard Age: 29 Sex: Male Nationality: Vaylen Race: Human Weapon: Spears Bard is a high ranking member of the resistance and like an older brother to Jynn. He repairs a lot of old world machinery for the resistance and is responsible for the gun modification in Xane's sword. Name: Aura Age: 86 Sex: Female Nationality: Feryn Race: Feryn Weapon: Bows Aura is part of an elite group of Feryn warriors called the Fer'Daj. The Fer'Daj were sent to Vayl and V'Aldej to monitor activity after the Feryn sensed a disturbance in the balance of peace between the nations. Name: Shedyn Age: 19 Sex: Male Nationality: V'Aldej Race: Human Weapon: Daggers Shedyn is a V'Aldej thief who is on the run from the Vaylen military. He robs Xane, and then offers to return his things in exchange for a "body guard". After that he tag along in search of treasure at the "exotic" locations that he is sure Xane is traveling to. Name: Roland Age: 46 Sex: Male Nationality: V'Aldej Race: Human Weapon: Katanas and Great Swords Roland is an knight in the V'Aldej army and extremely close to the general. He joins the resistance on orders directly from the general himself. 2.2 Antagonists: Name: Pahria Elmond Age: 28 Sex: Male Nationality: Vaylen Race: Human Pahria is the middle child of the three sons of the king of Vayl. Since his older brother died in the great war and his younger brother was recently murdered, Pahria is the sole heir to the throne. Pahria seems belt on reviving the old war, but the resistance suspects that this is just a cover for his true intentions. Name: General Grave Age: 34 Sex: Male Nationality: Vaylen Race: Human One of the two generals of the Vaylen army. Grave is a dark and twisted figure. He is loyal to Pahria and does not let morality get in his way. Name: General Rayne Age: 31 Sex: Female Nationality: Vaylen Race: Human One of the two generals of the Vaylen army. Rayne is a righteous and moral figure. She is loyal to Pahria, but unsure of his methods. Name: The judges Age: Varied Sex: Varied Nationality: V'Aldej Race: Varied The judges are a group of high ranking warriors in the V'Aldej army. They are charged with upholding the law and punishing those who break it. 3.1 - Chapter 1: Fall of the Rebellion The story opens with Xane on his knees on the edge of a cliff. The cliff is actually the edge of the capital city of Vayl, which floats miles above the country. There are three people before him, two men and one woman. One of the men (Who the other two refer to as 'my lord') gives the order and the other man (Grave) stabs Xane in the stomach before raising a foot to his chest and kicking him off the cliff. Xane falls rapidly towards the desert below. Summoning all his remaining strength, Xane casts a spell that slows time around his body. The spell softens the fall, but his stab wound is bleeding badly. He gets up and tries to walk, but the blood loss catches up with him and he passes out. At a nearby lower class camp, Jynn and Bard venture out into the desert in search of the source of a large magical energy. Thought technology has been dead for hundreds of years, Bard makes a hobby of repairing mechanical devices. Using a device that tracks magical power, Jynn and bard find Xane and take him back to the camp to treat his wounds. Jynn notices that Xane has a pendant, that to any citizen of Vayl symbolizes royal birth. Meanwhile, a group of Vaylen soldiers travel to the desert below the capital to search for Xane's body. After finding no trace of it, they return to the capital to inform general Grave that Xane is not dead. Xane wakes up the next day. He is being treated for his wounds by Jynn, who tells him that he is safe for the time being. Jynn asks what happened to Xane, but he refuses to talk about it. Xane tries to leave, but Jynn tells him that he is still too weak to leave due to his wound. Ignoring her, Xane sneaks out shortly after. While attempting to leave the village, Xane is caught by the military. He tries to fight, but his would prevents him from being able to do much. Bard shows up and helps him, and together they defeat the soldiers. The fight takes it's tole on Xane and he passes out again. When he wakes up, Jynn scolds him for trying to leave in that condition before introducing him to her father, Markus. Markus tells him that he is safe from the military, and that they know who he is. Markus explains that the royal family has already announced the assassination of the youngest prince of Vayl, and put out a bounty for the head of the man who killed the prince and took his pendant (The pendant that Xane wears). Instead of turning Xane in, Markus asks for his help, explaining that he is the leader of the Vaylen rebellion, who fight for the rights of the lower and middle class citizens. Realizing that his fight with the soldiers would lead the military straight to the rebellion, Xane tries to warn Markus that they must leave quickly. They are too late, however, and the military shows up, lead by general Grave himself. Though the four of them manage to escape without having to fight Grave, most of the rebellion is wiped out all at once. Xane and the others retreat to a nearby village and hide in the house of a rebellion member who lives there. Though the military shows up looking for them, they are not found. Markus explains that though the bulk of the active rebellion was destroyed, that was only a small fraction of the total rebellion. Most of the rebellion is currently in sleeper cells throughout the country. Markus then asks Xane about what happened to him before they found him. Though he wouldn't talk about it earlier, he now knows he can trust Markus, and explains. he confirms their suspicions that he is the assassin who killed the youngest prince. He also says that he was caught and thrown off the cliff by Pahria, last heir to the thrown, and his generals for uncovering information that Pahria is trying to start a war between Vayl and V'Aldej. Markus asks if he can accompany Xane to V'Aldej to warn them of Pahria's plans, and Xane agrees. They decide that to avoid border patrol, who will no doubt be looking for them, that they will take one of the many cave systems in the mountains to cross into V'Aldej. Upon reaching the mountains, they camp for the night. During the night, general Rayne travels to V'Aldej on Pahria's orders and tells the V'Aldej that a wanted criminal has been found, and is trying to enter V'Aldej. The V'Aldej order that the judges, a group of special warriors who hunt dangerous criminals, go after him. The criminal who they seek is Markus. The next morning, the group wakes up to find their supplies gone. They quickly set out to look for their things, and find that it was all stolen by a young thief. The thief tries to escape, but is cornered eventually. The thief (Named Shedyn) agrees to give their things back, on the condition that Xane acts as his body guard until they reach the V'Aldej capital. He explains that the military is after him for his thefts, and that he will be safe with the thieves guild once he reaches the capital. Xane reluctantly agrees and they continue into the cave. As the travel deeper into the cave, they stumble upon general Grave. They quickly hide, but it appears that seeing him was a coincidence. His real target was some ruins deep within the cave. After examining them for a while, Grave announces that it's not what he's looking for and they leave. Xane and the others look at the ruins, but can't understand what they are. They then leave the cave. As they exit the cave, they are stopped by the Leer judge, who demands they come quietly. Markus agrees to go with the judge on the condition that the others are set free. The Leer Judge refuses, stating that by aiding him, they are also criminals. Markus refuses to let the others (including his daughter) pay for his crimes, and instead they fight the Leer judge and defeat him. All this is being watched by a mysterious Feryn. Only a short distance ahead, general Grave hears the commotion and decides to investigate. As Xane and the others continue, Grave confronts them. They try to fight, but his power overwhelms them and they can barely get away. Markus demands that they go on without him, as he will hold Grave off. Jynn argues about it, but as a last request from Markus, Bard knocks her out and they leave. Markus confronts Grave alone. It looks as though Markus is winning until the Feryn judge appears and stabs Markus in the back. In a bid to outsmart Grave and save his own life, Markus asks that the Feryn judge take him back to the capital, but Grave reveals that the judges are working for Pahria now, and then stabs Markus, killing him. Markus' death is witnessed by Jynn and the others from a nearby cliff. It is also seen up close by the mysterious Feryn from before. Disheartened by the loss of the rebellion's leader, they continue towards the V'Aldej capital. They stop at a small town along the way. While in the town, Shedyn is attacked by a group of thugs, who claim that he stole from them in the past. They demand that he pay them back or they'll kill him. Xane and the others go to rescue him, but it turns out to be a trap set by a group of bounty hunters after Xane. The mysterious Feryn shows up and helps them defeat the hunters. She introduces herself as Aura, and explains that she has been watching them. At first she mistook them for dangerous criminals, but after watching them for a while, realized that they were trying to prevent a war, which is her ultimate goal as well. She asks to join them and they agree. As they approach the capital, they are confronted by the Feryn judge, who Aura reveals to be working with Pahria. The judges confirms it, informing them that all the judges are working for Pahria now. Seeing no other option, they fight the judge and defeat her. They quickly move forward to the capital. They try to think of a way to reach council of V'Aldej and plead their case. They decide to sneak into the Paragon Hall, the place where the council works. During this attempt to sneak, however, they are captured by the Druid judge and a group of knights, one of whom is Roland. Roland identifies Xane as the assassin of the Vaylen prince, and they are locked up. Later than night, they are taken before the V'Aldej general. the general takes on look at Xane and demands that the others are taken from the room so that the two can talk. The general asks Xane how he is still alive and Xane says that he could ask the same (Also saying that the generals name is Darius). After a discussion about Pahria's goals, and the betrayal of the judges, Darius calls the others back in. He reveals that he is in fact, the eldest brother of the Vaylen royal family, who has been thought dead for almost 20 years. He explains that he will aid them in stopping Pahria, and that the proper measures to deal with the judges will be taken. Later that night, while staying in the generals house, Xane sneaks out of bed to talk with Darius. During this conversation, however, Pahria, Grave and Rayne, and the two remaining judges appear. The commotion wakes the others up, who run to Xane and Darius' aid. Pahria reveals to them that Xane is the youngest brother of the Vaylen family, not his assassin. Pahria says that he was the one who tried to kill Xane so that he could take the throne and so that Xane could not meddle in his plan to restart the great war. Xane and Darius both state that the king won't allow it, and Pahria reveals that he has killed the king and taken control of Vayl. He then kills Darius and leaves with the judges and Grave, leaving Rayne to deal with the others. They are easily over powered by Rayne, but she has begun to lose faith in Pahria, and hesitates to finish them off. Instead, she waits for the V'Aldej military to arrive, then retreats. As a last request, Darius asks that Roland aid Xane in restoring peace and defeating Pahria. Roland agrees and joins the party. Word reaches them shortly after that Pahria and Grave killed the council of V'Aldej and effectively started a war. The next morning they learn that the human judge was appointed the new general after Darius' death, giving Pahria full control over both the Vaylen and the V'Aldej armies. 3.2 - Chapter 2: The Hunter and the Hunted Chapter two will be added in the very near future, check back soon. [Edited by - Cirka88 on January 6, 2008 5:51:02 PM]

the premise of the story is ok but you might want to see if you can present it in a more interesting and exciting way, it feels too much like im reading a history text book

Few things:

One: I'd appreciate it if people could be serious when critiquing, rather than making stupid comments about my use of apostrophes, thanks.

Two: Thanks for the input Kaze. That's what I'm looking for. A serious opinion about the plot presented in a polite manner.

Three: As a matter of fact, sending the plot via registered mail is legally binding, so long as the package is sent and signed for by me, and not opened. At the very least it proves that the story is mine and since the mail is registered, it proves that I wrote it before anyone else, provided that the 'thief' in question can't produce evidence of writing the plot prior to the registered date that the package arrived.

Four: Again, if you don't like it, critique, not sarcasm... Don't act like an asshole about it, just because you don't like it. Also, I get the impression that Aersix and Pete aren't big RPG players. I could be wrong, but if you don't play a lot of RPGs then I'd ask you to keep your opinions to yourselves, because as far as RPGs go, I think personally that this is a very good plot, and I am only looking for outside opinion from other RPG writers or players.

Your story is quite good. Please post the second chapter quickly.

Hi there, the story is good but in my opinion it sounds very generic. What I mean by this is that it doesn't seem to me to have anything that sets it apart from most other RPGs. I know that your story isn't very far in but I just wanted to tell you what impression I got from it so far.

I'm also writing a GDD for an RPG and it took me a very long time to think of some things that hadn't been done before (Let's face it almost every story type has been used in RPGs so far) so I know writing for these type of games is difficult so please ignore any negative comments I don't normally see people writing things like that on this website.

Sorry but I couldn't continue reading your post after reading the worst idear you could ever copy.

"Weapon: Gun-sword (I realize that FF8 did it, but they don't own rights to the idea!)"

If your going to ripoff any FF, please copy one of there good idears.
If you ever make this game, what do you think the players will think of you after they realize you ripoff there beloved FF?

About the first part, well, your work seems ok, too cliche for me... but it fits the games you try to copy. You could try to be a bit less extreme in your country mentalities. The "freedom loving democrat" vs the "oppressive monarchy"... why isn't there a good king and a bad elected official for once? or maybe make it just like real life, no country is evil... they are just out looking to make things better for there own. Some leaders believes "the end always justifies the means" and have too much ego, thats all.

Quote:
WARNING: This story has been typed up, printed out, and mailed to myself via registered mail. To those of you who don't know, that's as good as a copy write. that makes all of the following my property, and if copied or stolen, I can take legal action. Just protecting what's mine :).
...
Three: As a matter of fact, sending the plot via registered mail is legally binding, so long as the package is sent and signed for by me, and not opened. At the very least it proves that the story is mine and since the mail is registered, it proves that I wrote it before anyone else, provided that the 'thief' in question can't produce evidence of writing the plot prior to the registered date that the package arrived.

This is actually wrong on a number of levels.

By simply creating the work, you own it and hold the copyright (not "copy write"). There's nothing else you need to do.

Furthermore, the "mail it to yourself" technique is basically useless. If you really are concerned, you can register the copyright with the government for a nominal processing fee, but this really offers you very little in actual legal recourse.

I mention this because your reponses on this topic are are needlessly hostile.

UPDATE: The first chapter of the game has been updated completely. The three paragraph summary has been replace by a mini-novel of info on the chapter. Chapter two will be up soon, first with a summary then I will update eventually with expanded version, just like I did with chapter one.

1. Thanks for all the comments, appreciate the feedback.

2. I didn't steal the gunblade idea from ff8. My idea is completely different. One, the gunblade in ff8 was actually not a gun. It shot vibrations or sound waves, or something like that. Mine is an actual gun built into the sword. Also, it's a completely different kind of a. Gun and b. Sword. The gun in my game is not a revolver, but a mini-grenade launcher, and the sword in my game is a greatsword, which Xane can barely hold with both hands. I can understand that my lack of elaboration on that would lead to confusion, though. Also, the gunblade from ff8 didn't inspire Xane's weapon at all, and the similarity between the weapons is coincidental.