I love the story you've come up with.

But, I agree with Gantz in a way. Though you are still on the first chapter and may already have something planned, try to come up with some kind of twist that makes the story deeper than 'a group of friends defeats the big bad army'. I've played way to many games like that. Including non-RPG games.

As actual critiquing, I do not think there was enough time spent in the cave system. Didn't they walk through an entire mountain? I feel it was lacking, not just in a time aspect, but in events also. You should throw in some kind of confrontation with an ancient rock golem, or a collapse in one of the tunnels that causes the group to discover some secret cave/building/something. You could incorporate the ruins Grave is looking at. Maybe you find another ruin.

It doesn't have to be significant to the over all plot, but try to add something of interest.


Keep updating and I'll keep trying to find stuff to critique.

I like the way you flesh out the whole world, with history, races living in it and the way they interact with each other. Makes it feel like your characters and story are happening in a real world.

Keep up the good work.

While parts of the premise are not my style, I think this will appeal to high fantasy/anime fans.


A few questions though, what is the ramifications of the use of powerful magic, used in the slowing of time for Xanes fall?

When you say that mechanical technology has fallen into disuse, was it surpassed by the findings of magic, or did a natural resource run out, killing an ancient steam punk style empire?

For the cave system, what sort of cave system?

Why do the Feryn have pointy ears?

Another about the Feryn, when you say spiritual, are you referring to animism?

Did you use the amount of apostrophes that you did, because of style, or for pronunciation?

What was your thought process behind a grenade launcher, sword combo?

what are the weapons of the antagonists?

What languages exist, and what is the general percentage of speakers?

What was your naming process?

Original post by jpetrie

Quote:
This is actually wrong on a number of levels.

By simply creating the work, you own it and hold the copyright (not "copy write"). There's nothing else you need to do.

Furthermore, the "mail it to yourself" technique is basically useless. If you really are concerned, you can register the copyright with the government for a nominal processing fee, but this really offers you very little in actual legal recourse.

Actually this is how you want to do it. I do photography and as long as you REGISTER your copyright with library of congress (you send a disk full of whatever with a $35 check and you get a little paper back saying its copyrighted.) I dont remember the address and the price may be inflated now but as of a few years ago thats what you did to get your stuff copyrighted.


As far as the story is concerned I mean this in the best way, its just too cliche for me. There are too many stories of "evil empires" and "rebel groups set to stop them" and "magic using races" etc. Im a huge RPG fan, its all I play but Ive gotten sick of the same old story line. Also a lot of players will see the similarities between your game and the Final Fantasy series no matter what spin you use. (Your game and FFVI both have wars that end the use of older technology, gunblade, the name Xane / Zidane), apostrophied like Vana'diel) I also think that the pace is off, it may not be in the played game, but in the story I think that one of the main characters dying off too soon doesnt give you enough time to care about the character.

As far as the races are concerned I too would agree to lose the apostrophe's. There is a very practical reason for this: People do not like things they're not sure how to pronounce. Sounds silly but its true. If you are reading a story its hard to be engrossed when you have to figure out how to pronounce everything.

What I would suggest to help you improve your story is this:

First, outline what you would like to have happen in all the major plot points in the story, and build the story around it. When you see on an outline how your story is going to unfold it makes it easier for you to add plot twists and such.

Second, set yourself some constraints to break away from cliche. For example: The hero cannot have a troubled past, there can be no evil empire only evil people, no ancient artifacts/prophesies, and the toughest for most people, there can be no "saving the world". Those are just suggestions but when you limit yourself and keep yourself from writing cliches you'll be amazed at the quality of the storylines you can come up with.

Third, listen to music, look at artwork, whatever inspires you. Inspired ideas always tend to be the best ideas. These ideas can turn into plot points in your story.

Four, dont get discouraged! You can never please everyone. This is an industry where tough skin is needed.

I've not been here in a while, so a late thanks to everyone who posted a comment.

@ Elhrrah

1. The ramifications concerning the magic Xane used would be physical exhaustion if he wasn't already near death from the stab wound.

2. The idea is that the people of the world don't know what happened to the mechanically advanced society. What little was known about the old world was lost in the great war. I haven't decided yet whether the history of the old world will be discovered during the game or remain a mystery.

3. The cave area at that part of the game is actually part of a larger area consisting of mines under Vayl, solution, crevice and Talus caves, and an ancient underground temple of unknown origin.

4. The reason for the pointy ears of the Feryn (Aside from aesthetic purposes) is so that they can hear the voice of nature (ie: plants, animals, etc.)

5. Yes, I am referring to animism when I say spiritual.

6. The apostrophes are partly for pronunciation and party because it is part of the syntax of the Dynn language mentioned below.

7. To be completely honest, the weapon was inspired by a stapler. I know how odd that sounds, but it's the truth. Here is the stapler that the sword was based off of: http://www.office365.co.uk/im/pim/694937.jpg

8. As for the antagonist's weapons: Pahria uses two scimitars that connect at the ends to become a battle staff.
Grave uses a unique weapon consisting of a ring with four blades attached to it. These blades can either positioned themselves in a cross shape or a fan shape along the ring.
Raine uses a battle ring, which is essentially a giant hoop with a bladed edge. It can separate into two semicircle blades.
The Leer judge uses a battle axe and a set of "Claws". An example of what I mean: http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51C61X8XZQL._AA280_.jpg
The Feryn Judge uses a basic spear, but is accompanied by two pets, a white wolf and a raven.
The druid judge uses a variety of heavy weapons such as maces, axes, and war hammers, which float around him and act on their own, much like Graves daggers.
The human judge wields a Whip sword, which is a series of blade like links forming a chain.

9. As far a language is concerned, there are 5 languages in the world.

Human: The language spoken by most of the population. This language is the most commonly used, only because it is the only language all the races are capable of speaking. Human has two forms: Vaylen, and V'Aldej, which are very similar.

Feryn: Language spoken by the Feryn race. They are the only race capable of speaking the language. It is also the language used by the spirits of the earth which Feryn can converse with.

Druid: The druid don't actually have their own language, because they are capable of communicating telepathically. They adopted the human language as a means of clarifying their thoughts with other races.

Leer: The leers native language is basically using howling, growling, barking and other canine sounds to communicate.

Dynn: A language similar to human. It can be spoken by all races and has influence the human languages greatly. Since the Dynn were destroyed hundreds of years ago, all that remains of the language is the influence on the human languages.(This is were all the apostrophes come from. Dynn use apostrophes to connect descriptive words making new words. ex: Fer'Daj would be the Dynn word for Feryn knights.)

10. The names are basically whatever sounds good. There isn't a thought process that goes into the naming of characters and places. I create reasons for the naming after the name is chosen.

FINALLY! Now that I've answer all of his questions, on to business:

The second chapter will be posted soon. I was off doing other things for a while, but am starting to type the second chapter now. Expect it in the next week or so.

I haven't read the whole but from what I did read its a good story. A story that ties in great with my games story. check it out its here on this forum. The name is Legacy. My game is also a MMORPG and your could be one the hundreds of events in our game. Of course because of your story's depth and detail it would be a major event in the game. We have a complete game design that may suit your liking. if your interested in hearing more let me know.

Final Fantasy XIII with the names changed!

I'm not gonna lie. I know nothing about FFXIII. If its a copy with the names changed, it's news to me, and I will be flying to japan to kill a couple of square enix writers XD.

Been fairly busy lately, so my week estimate of the next part of the plot went out the window. I'll try to get some more plot up on the site within the next couple of days.

As for making this a big event in an MMORPG, it's a great offer, but I'm afraid I have to turn it down. I'm currently part of a game development team that will eventually be creating the game. There are a few other projects being made first, but sooner or later we'll get around to this.

If you want help with quests or plot for an MMO however, I'd be happy to lend my help. I've done some writing before for an MMO, but the team never finished to project, so I can bring those and other ideas to Legacy if you'd like. E-mail me at Mike_Ghost_1988@hotmail.com if you're interested.

As usual, thanks for all the comments and support.