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Day of a New Legacy idea - Need constructive criticism

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4 comments, last by gibs0n 14 years, 11 months ago
Alright, well one day i was bored so i thought up of a story that could be reinvented into somesort of game. I wrote the entire story down on word and its about 1 page size 12 so im only gonna give you a brief summary. Many, many years ago, a civilization similar to ours lived in harmony on a planet named Akteru. They grew into a vast colony with technology far superior to anything known to man. They managed to develop and discover destructive weapons and sources of power that can power a planet for several years. In order to keep there power contained and hidden from the universe, they sealed it within heavily guarded towers, each containing a source of incredible power of the four basic elements which are; fire, earth, water and wind. But only the strongest of the strong are able to find there way through the labyrinth of death each tower holds. With these four elements, this ancient civilisation discovered the secrets of life and death along with the truths of the universe. And with the greatest gifts of the universe, they lived in peace. with the power to see past the barriers of time they forsaw a great cataclysmic event that would eventually destroy their entire civilisation. So they decided to build bunkers, one high above in the sky, and the other thousands of feet underground. After the great cataclysmic event (to make long story short, one of there many moons crash into there planet and releases a toxic gas that eventually killed most of the planets people) Very few survivers remained, and theses survivers gained incredible powers from this toxic gas. These powers are what separated the few remaining people into the Anshar and the Kishar. The Ansher were also known as the rulers of the heavens, as for the Kishar, they were known as the rulers of the underworld. Some people from the Anshar civilisation obtained powers of healing and were called the Abzu, some became deities, and gained the power to control the forces of nature, and finally some became alchemists, they were able to exchange a simple sowing needle to one of the greatest wonders of the world. The Kishar received powers far different then the Anshar, There entire bodies were transformed. Some were transformed into spirits of the night known as the Asakku, some became blood thirsty fiends who were named the Edimmu, and the others became beasts of the night, also known as the namtaru. After living in the dark for many decades, The Kishar and the Anshar had no knowledge of there past civilization but they did have knowledge about the four towers. It’s been legend but no one has proven there existence, and thus an epic battle raged between these two great civilisations in the search for all might power. Until this very day not one Kishar or Anshar was able to discover the power of the elements, It is finally your turn to rediscover and bind together the elements and become the most powerful warrior of all time, to lead your civilisation to victory. I'm sorry if its very long but theres many details that just make this story a little more interesting. I'm not sure if maybe this story is a little too complicated?? i'm 14 years old and i think that kids around my age would probably enjoy a game like this?? thanks Massimo,
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oops im sorry, i just read a mistake,

Anshar

Abzu = people who recieved powers of healing

Anuna = deity, who recieved powers to control the powers of nature

Korg = the alchemists

Kishar

Assaku = spirits

Edimmu = fiends

Namtaru = beasts


I'm trying to make this as clear as possible, its very complicated, there is also some stuff that i have left out, for example there ancient powers from each side, The Anshar discovered an inner power to shapeshift into the most powerful creatures of the jungle. The Kishar discovered an inner power within also known as spiritualism, were they carve out mythical beasts out of stone and then summon there own spirit within the stone to control a devistating monster.

The way it works is that In the Anshar, you have your 3 different species(not sure what exactly to call them so im just gonna call them species), and within those 3 species there are warriors, knights, mages, and scouts. However, if you were to choose the Kishar side, and choose the Asakku(species), and then finally decide to became a knight, you would have special powers from the Asakku. The Asakku are spirits who are able to enter the minds of there enemies and alter there reality. Each species recieved there own powers from the toxic gas(as mentioned in story).

And finally to be more clear, there are four towers containing the power to each element,for example, if you are a mage and defeat the tower of earth, you will have full access to armor and spells of earth. These spells are definately more powerful than your average spells and you also have the power to combine all 4 elements once all four towers are defeated and become extremely powerful.

I hope this cleared some stuff up, please give feedback

thanks
I think "writing for games" might just be a dead forum.
Hey, nice story; very in-depth, probably took a while to come up with it. When or if you program the game, don't crunch everything together and throw it at the player because it is most likely that they will get bored and stop playing it.

Instead, try to spread it out, maybe revealing bits and pieces if the story in cut scenes throughout the game. I have learned that in writing a story for a game and even in movies or books, there can never be a plot too complex.

Look at Star Wars. Although the plot was complex, well in-depth and rich in detail, everything was sort of spread out and fed to the audience when it needed to be. It was so complex that it finally took Lucas to realize that he had to split it up into a 6 part movie...and its still a hit!

Way to go with your story and keep at it! Don't lose motivation!
A gripe I have with this - I'm not sure I like the technology-fantasy 'mix' at the beginning. If we are talking about a technological superpower, then it is unlikely that such a civilization would consider earth, fire, air and water to be the "basic elements" - which is inherently a very primitive belief, and incorrect for any sort of physically believable world (or universe). Attributing such a belief to a high-tech civilization is awkward at the very least.
yup i think you might be right, ill have to change it around a little.

Thanks everyone for your help

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