Ive been trying to start a story for an RPG i hope to complete some day. When i read what ive written so far though, i get this feeling that maybe i should let others handle the writing. What do you think ? Is the example below decent ? (yeah i know its superficial and cliched) Example of what i got so far: (and please dont mind the name Gandalf. It WILL be changed) Trying to keep his eyes from the suffering young man, Gandalf turned his head east towards the Red Mountains. Actually it was more like large hills than it was mountains, but the name had a ring to it. Legends told they were named after some great battle in an ancient war. The blood had flown down the hillsides, as rivers run down mountains in early spring. Looking at them now, trying to shut out the all too close screams, Gandalf found it more likely that these hills had their name from the way the late summer sun coloured them red with its dying rays. He was brought back to reality when he heard his father prepare the spell. The village took great pride in their wizard. Not many towns of that size could show such an asset, and soon they would have not only one but two versed in the arts of magic. Father and son. The intended target of the spell, a young man from one of the Tinker clans, had been caught stealing from a merchant’s wagon parked on the outskirts of town. In the hope of stating an example the mayor of the village had decided to torture the lad so that he might run home and tell his friends about it. The Tinkers, even though harmless, had always been hated in the more established villages. Suddenly the screams stopped. The Tinker now sat still, tied to his chair, shaking. Gandalf failed to avoid the young man’s eyes. Seeing the terror in his face and knowing how the spell worked, he turned and ran. --- Present --- At the age of 18 your foster father, the now old and respected wizard Gandalf, sends you off to the academy in Tir’Loc. Returning, four years later, each trained in your chosen professions, you are assigned to the small militia of your hometown Tir’Dar. Things have been quite for some time, and as consequence, you are reliefed of your duties until the situation requires otherwise. You are to live in the city barracks, and to be at a constant alert.

It''s ok. You would need someone to check it and change words here and there, fix up spellings and so on. This is especially true of people whose first language is not the language they are writing in, as may be the case with you. Nothing personal, of course

Ok, that''s the linguistic aspect, what about the literary side? Well, you talk a lot about those mountains, so they had better become an important part of the story in the future. Also I feel it needs a little more introduction, as the reader is left waiting a little too long to hear what this "suffering young man" business is all about. And the last bit about the spell doesn''t really make much sense. Is it Gandalf casting the spell, or Gandalf''s father? And who runs off? It can''t be the tinker as he''s tied down. And the last bit talks about Gandalf''s son, so you have 3 wizards in the story, yes? Is all this information necessary, as it confuses the issue? I think it needs a little clarification to give the full effect. Also, I believe you need to be more explicit about what you''re trying to achieve with that little bit of history. It is probably foreshadowing something... but what?

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"each trained in your chosen professions"

But "you" went to the academy so what''s this "each"? If a group from the village went then you need to introduce them at the start.

On the whole I think this moves too quickly. The first scene is my father turning away from my grandfather torturing a thief.

Yet the time break takes me to my return to the village at the age of 22. Why have I been to the academy? What have I learned? Why is the first scene relevant?

Yet the writing is good. You create a believable world in which there is magic, a hierarchy and an outcast sect in a few sentences. But it needs more explanation IMHO.

Just look at your writing and assume you are coming to it anew. What questions do you have? What are the answers?

English is my second laguage, and yeah, it needs work. Its nothing but a quick hack from last night and definately wont be used in its current form.

Thanks for your input all

quote:
its sick.
go and see "trafic" on video, if you like such stuff, its just as sick.
i dont like it.
no good for a game, games should be fun.

Suppose the story was actually well written... Would you still hold that opinion ? From what you wrote i think you would... right ?

Disregarding what i wrote, is this a general opinion? Should game stories be kept simple and merry ?
I figured, since this is a role playing game, that a more complex story, with more developed characters, might create a more believable universe which in turn would further player immersion.

Of course, as I hinted at earlier, it is a common technique to mention something early in the story if it becomes important later on. Writing a story could be considered a system where the writer poses questions and then answers them later on. In this case, mentioning some concepts without clarifying them poses a question - "what does that signify?". As long as you know which bits you will return to later, and as long as you don''t leave any unanswered questions, you''re fine. (Excluding hooks for sequels, of course.)

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