UPDATE!:

Using some Music Software I Recently Purchased I was able to Create A Battle Theme and A Victory Fanfare Theme.
I you want copys of them I will send them to you.
Just E.Mail me!.

Also This forum is regarding MY Story and I would like to ask that you stick to the Topic and not try to sway it onto Final Fantasy (Great Game).

quote: In the year 2156...The moon starts getting black spots.
The spots are soon revealed to be large alien ships from a distant planet in the Yurimepa System called Eden home to the Marakee - The smartest Species in Existence.

Niggling point here, but the science geeks would rip you a new one for this. There really is not that much room, intergalactically speaking, betwen the Earth and the Moon for "large alien ships" to appear as black spots. If they appear as black spots to the naked eye, then they''re pretty damn clear to anyone using a decent telescope to look at the moon.

This works better if seen from the sun, not the moon. Gives a better sense of distance as well.

quote: Eden''s Advancement in Technology allowed them to repair the holes in the Ozone layer

Can I ask...why? The ozone acts as a protecting layer against UV radiation from our sun. In your story, we no longer have that sun - we probably don''t even have the same solar orbit in this new system, so harmful UV rays may not be an issue. I''m going to further assume that to compensate for the change in galaxy/solar orbital positioning some form of protective field/shield technology is being used to stabilize the planet and keep weather patterns and temperature zones intact.

If this is true, then a repaired ozone layer becomes moot since the whole planet has basically become one big biodome experiment.

quote: They also developed a treatment called ''The Halfing'' where Marakee DNA is spiced with Human DNA to create a Hybrid form of Human that can change from Human form to Marakee form at any time

Why? Is there a reason why hybrids are necessary? What criteria is used to determine who becomes a hybrid, and who can''t? There''s social aspect to this as well; do people resent the hybrids? Adore them? Do hybrids consider themselves elite? Is there an alien plot to convert all of humanity over to hybrid Marakeen?

More later.

Before I comment on Part 2...I can''t help but agree with the earlier observation. I don''t really see the point of this, so far, as a game; it''s all cinematics. Gameplay is minimal at best, and half of what I''m seeing is pointless gameplay. There''s just nothing for anyone to do, or solve - the story is reading like a book or movie, not a game.

There''s no CHOICE.

But from your comments, you''re fully aware of this and this is your intention - so forgetting that:

I am really, really confused by the whole fight scene with Legios. Ignoring whatever rationales why Legios would possibly know the names of these two schmoes and the situation they''re in,

- he stares at them, instantly identifies them as mass-murderers, and without preamble shuffles them off to be hid? This only really works if you have news programs in shop windows showing their faces and the crime they''re accused of. If you''re going to make them fugitives, then make them fugitives!

- why did Legios grab Zeega''s tail? I don''t get that part at all. And then keels over dead? For no reason?

- okay the withered tail is part of the reason...but what would make them take his pants off? That just comes across totally wrong. You said they wanted to check the end of the tail (why?!?!) - I assume you mean the stump end. It''s just a really weird, senseless scene.

- how could the tail be cut off from the stump, and yet he can still see the tail without taking off the pants? Doesn''t make sense.

- Selek (DEAD Selek) just happens to show up, alone, with a melee weapon? What, he didn''t learn from the first fight? Mindlessly attacks them, and dies again. That''s sort of a WTF moment there; if you were going for that effect, you got it.

Overall, so far, it really seems like you''re making up reasons to have combat and movement for the player to actually DO something in this game. As a player...I''m bored. Don''t mean to sound critical, but I feel like I could get up, make myself a sandwich, come back, hit a few buttons, then go watch a tv show. Come back, hit a few more buttons, then go do laundry.

Hey chasis,seems you´ve done quite a job this time,I have some jobs right now but I make sure I´ll check on it some time,you might have just evolved into a better writer(I hope you did )
I´ll edit comments after some time.(I´m summoner from rpgamer forum if you want to know.)

Well,some first view comments:
1)In the year 2156 Our Sun begins to die, on it death it will destroy the entire system and all its planets.
Realistic not,if you think that our sun has an aprox life time of more that 4 million years to see,of course that doesn´t mean you can´t change it but most players might just get wrong with that so near supernova event.

2)All seems lost until one day.... The moon starts getting black spots.

Well,this guys should be really advanced to bypass that times Ultramodern radars and other tracking systems,of course I noticed taht they are quite advanced but humanity isn´t just stupid,and until that time wouldn´t humanity just manage to make habitance on moon or even mars?

Well,that´s just a first glimpse,(That means I haven´t read other peoples comments either,so please forgive if I just mentioned something that has been discussed before)chasis,don´t take any bad comment or at least a comment that disagrees with your scenario,understanding is quite a merit in game devopment(not to mention everywhere in life).

SpamComment on faq:
FAQ:
Q - You Suck!
A - Put on your glasses! and read it again!
Lol,act seriously to be treated seriously,if someone just doesn´t seem to like your script it just doesn´t mean it sucks and it doesn´t mean you have written a masterpiece everyone but a minority of people don´t like,this will never happen in market.(No offence in that)Well,I could say more,but that´s all from me for now.

Sorry To keep you waiting for part 4 but I am very busy!.
I promise it will be online by the 11th!.
Also I have a battle Theme and A Victory fanfare made for it so would you like it?.
E.Mail me and I will send it to you.

Part 4 – The Hunt

It was over 2 hours later since they had rescued 99 and Zeega was doing most of the flying but Damien was getting Visions from 99 telling him in secret what he knew, they were hungry and tired but they had to press on to stop this madness that had caught them in a trap they didn’t deserve…but that was about to change.
Damien said that 99 had to go to Earth to check on the status of the planet for 99 said that it is falling out of touch with its people, Zeega set a course and headed for Scotland for it was the bet place to talk with the earth – not to much noise, fresh air.
They set down in the center of Kilmarnock – The town were Prime took out his anger on Humanity Twenty years back and so They opened the door and saw with there own eyes the power that Prime has, The streets were covered in green moss and the buildings now lay open for all to see – truly terrifying.
‘I…Have to say something to you guys’ Zeega stuttered ‘It was my father who met Andrew Mc Burnie!….MY FATHER CREATED PRIME….Im Sorry but I couldn’t hold the guilt in my heart anymore…He was mad with power…I remember the unnatural look in his eyes when he destroyed this city…..he showed no mercy to the people….sorry’ Finished Zeega and as soon as he finished Damien punched him in the face and said ‘Zeega get a hold of yourself….Your father never created Prime…You don’t even have a father!!’ Damien said, He turned around and sniffed the air and told Zeega that the area is just filled with Memoty – The way Marakee preserve Great moments in History, After the event has been Portrayed the task is handed to Jerrakoi (Guardian of Mind) to preserve this moment for all by creating an invisible Barrier to make people feel that they or another have committed this act and Create illusions of the events.
Damien Had no choice but to Sedate Zeega and put him in the ship to rest…and now Damien and 99 had a job to do.

(Playable Sequence)

After wandering for a little while they got to the old Bank building on Bank Street and there they saw Prime In human form talking to another Halfie in a illusion, ‘Why do you fight them Andrew? They may be weaklings but they are still living creatures’ Said the girl trying to persuade Prime to abandon the war he had started but all he said was ‘Carol…I know how you feel about this…Hell I don’t blame you….but….this must be done…They have gone too far’.
He then changed into his Marakee form and jumped up to the top of the bank and ran off but they girl just stood there watching and waiting….the illusion ended and reality sank back in and on the spot where carol was standing was a pile of bones all wet and black, They left the scene and continued onward.

(Playable Sequence)

On the high Street they saw another illusion outside an old music store and what they saw was truly disturbing, Three human youths were shown Mugging a young boy age 6-9 but then the boy stood up and said ‘My name is Andrew McBurnie and you better be sorry for that’ and after he said that he looked at 99 and Damien and Turned into Prime…but then faded….Avenging the past.

(Playable Sequence)

They arrived at the Blue Triangle Café A.K.A The Hafie Hideout and saw one last vision of Prime – He was standing next to his army and lifted a Marakee Switch-Hitter Pistol in the air and said ‘Yesterday we were Abused, Hurt and Abandoned but Tonight we take back our Freedom’ and they charged toward Damien and 99 but then Vanished and after they did 99 Began to cower on the ground as if he was hiding from something but then stood up and pointed to an alley in the corner….It was Selek again!.
He went up to Damien and said ‘We have not got much time….come with me if you want to live’ but knowing that he was killed 2 times made it harder for them to believe if he was good or not but they decided to follow him to see how much of a trap it was.

(Playable Sequence)

They arrived at a foot bridge and started to follow Selek across it but when they were only half way across they saw Kelnoik waiting with a gun…..he fired and Selek was hit in the chest and neck and he fell over but he said one last thing ‘Prime….he is alive’ and then he died, Kelnoik said ‘I would fight you but this is nor the time nor the place were it ends’ and with that he ran back to his ship and left the Kilmarnock ruins.
Damien and 99 were awestruck….Prime was still alive and if he was he would still want to finish his war, It was time to act…the last known sighting of Prime was on planet Yaranoi with the Ifalini Hunters but it was a sacrifice they had to make….for the fate of Yurimpa, They headed back to the ship and found Zeega asleep in the chair….so being as quiet as possible they set the computer for Auto-Pilot to Yaranoi but as the ship was about to take off 99’s hand began to glow bright red and twitch, Damien then fell on the floor and had a vision and this one was big as it showed Prime standing on roof of the old Train Station at the tip of John Finnie street which was north of the ship but as soon as he woke up Zeega knocked him out and Tried to start the Auto-Destruct function…..it seemed that the Memoty was still controlling him.
99 had to think of something to do before the ship blew so he found some rope in an old cupboard and wrapped it around Zeega’s tail and tightened it and Zeega fell over in pain but his tail fought back and whipped off the rope so 99 had no choice but to fight Zeega.

(Fight with Zeega(Mind Control) HP – Same as Current, COMBO – Same, PSY – Same)

Zeega fell to the power of 99’s Claws and landed on Damien’s Crotch doing so woke him up and 99 Suggested that they Tie Zeega up until the Memoty Wears off, Zeega was tied up and secure but just then the Radio went off and a woman began to speak , ‘Attention People aboard Selini – Return the ship to me now or I will turn on the Destruct function and you will go BOOM bye bye….I will be on SOLUS 8 waiting for you….GIVE ME MY SHIP BACK…Over’.
Damien went to the Pilot’s seat and turned of the Radio and set The Auto-Pilot for SOLUS 8 and thought of ways to say he was sorry for Stealing the ship.

(Meanwhile)

‘That boy is becoming quite a Pain in the Tail’ Said Kelnoik ‘Not only has he Killed two Selek’s but he Terminated the Legios Clone……Time for the Weapon to be Unleashed’ A shadowy Figure Comes into view and growls at Kelnoik ‘Fear not Prime you will be free soon’

Part 5 Will be Somtime next week (Please note that I am only making this a 12 Part Story becuase I am concerned About Disk Space).


[edited by - CHASIS-BLADE on February 13, 2004 2:20:26 PM]

I was going to make the point that the sun has a much longer lifetime than just a few years left. The only thing that would cause it to die is if someone gained some super kickass technology that allowed them to kill the sun. If that''s the case, you had better make that part of the story later on. Although, you do need to say something about how all of the scientists were baffled and nobody knew what was causing it.

--------------------------------------
I am the master of stories.....
If only I could just write them down...

Great Job! Obviously I haven''t read it, its way to long, I gotta go.

But the sun doesn''t die in 2156. heheh. blows up in 5 billion more years or so.

but thats me, always trying to correct people.

ignore me.

i''m in one of my hyper friday the 13th moods...

lalalala...